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RELATIONSHIP SAVER – Tips, advices,warnings, concerns & etc…

Relationship Saver

Tips, advices,warnings, concerns & etc…

Hopefully it will help bring peace and tranquility into your life…

Permanent link to this article: http://www.famfi.org/blog-2/relationship-saver/

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5 Signs He Wants to Make You His Girlfriend

5 Signs He Wants to Make You His Girlfriend

by Rich Santos, Marie Claire, on Fri Dec 3, 2010 4:02pm PST

t’s dangerous to look at sex as the indicator of commitment. There are several subtle signs that people care on a deeper levelthat have nothing to do with sex.

The jerks out there want sex, and they’ll do whatever they have to do to get it, including promising commitment with sex. But all too often it turns in to casual sex with no depth in the relationship.

I’ve never been able to date casually, or just “sleep with” a girl consistently. It’s all so “grown up” to me. Or maybe I’m just too traditional.

My recently single friend, Doug, has been playing the field with a vengeance. He’s had one night stands, and casual sex with a handful of women.

From my end, I can tell he’s not in to any of these women beyond sex. He recently broke it off with a girl he was sleeping with, Jenn, because he’s interested in another girl (Melissa) on a girlfriend level.

Jenn was upset when he broke it off, and I wondered why she was surprised that he wasn’t in to her. He indicated that she thought he’d eventually get in to a relationship with her. Unfortunately, she was doing it backwards. The caring has to come before the sex, and not vice versa.

Doug is a rare breed because he was up front with the girls he was sleeping with. He never gave them the wrong idea by going on serious dates (they’d ask him to go away on trips, or to meet family members, etc.). Despite his honesty, the women were still surprised and disappointed when he broke it off.

It can be to tell when you’re stuck in a “just sleeping together” situation. Here are a few signs that it might be more than just sleeping together:

He Wants To Wait

Doug has been hanging out with Melissa for two weeks. One night they were getting hot and heavy and she told him she wanted to wait to have sex, but then changed her mind later in the evening. She said she was ready.

But my friend said: “let’s wait.”

He explained to me: “I actually care about this girl, so I didn’t want to have sex so fast”

Doug, who I thought didn’t think of sex as a big deal, was making it a big deal. Bottom line, sex is a big deal when you really care about the person.

You See Him by the Light Of Day

Doug rarely did anything during the day with the girls he was sleeping with. He never ran errands with them, took walks, or lingered around in the morning after spending the night together. He always ended up with them at the end of the night.

You Do Things Together Before You Meet Up

Doug would often leave after hanging out with me to meet up with the girl he was sleeping with. They’d send him the “when and where” text.

If the guy’s rolling in at the end of the night for some fun when you haven’t hung out otherwise, it’s pretty obvious you’re just sleeping together. Even if you meet up late at a bar for a few hours then go home, he’s still probably looking at it as just sleeping together.

You Engage In Small Talk You’re Apart

Last weekend we were at a wedding, so I spent a lot of time with Doug (in fact we shared a hotel room with a king bed due to a “logistical error,” but that’s a whole other blog post in itself). He kept reading texts from Melissa out loud to us throughout the weekend, and he seemed giddy for the first time in a long time.

Doug was sending small talk texts to Melissa recounting stories throughout the weekend. He never texted stories to the girls he was sleeping with to get their reactions or opinions.

You’re Not Having Sex Every Time You See Him

Doug fooled around with the girls he was sleeping with every time they saw each other. This is why there were referred to as “a girl I’m sleeping with.”

My list is in no way sure-fire. There are no guarantees because some guys can fake it: a guy might wait to have sex because he ultimately wants you just for sex. If you’re not feeling right about things, speak up or get out of the relationship. Most likely, he’s not going to come around to getting deeper with you if you’re just sleeping together.

Do you agree with my signs above? What signs do you look for to indicate you’re not just sleeping together? Have you ever been worried that your relationship is more about sleeping together, and not a deeper relationship?

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7 Common Relationship Lies … and how to deal with them

by Eric J. Leech

We’ve talked about lying in love relationships before, but now we’ll address some of the more common lies which used to leverage a relationship to bend to your personal will. In reality, these lies only manage to create more distance and misunderstanding. Here are seven of the most common lies (phrases) used for these purposes, and how best to deal with them.

“I’m not mad!”

Nobody likes to be told that they are mad or upset, and if you approach a partner head on with this question, you will probably get this answer. Instead of stating the obvious, the best tactic to soothe an angry partner is to take a step back (lower your thermostat), give good eye contact, listen, respect, and communicate with them honestly.

“You do whatever you want”

This statement is reverse psychology at its finest. Your partner has tried to reason with you, and now they are counting on guilt to be their wings of justice. This is a form of playing a martyr (victim), but it rarely has the effect your partner desires. Instead of allowing this to be the end of the conversation, take the time to understand both positions, and find a reasonable compromise.

“Nothing”

This is one of the most loaded statements you will ever come across, and it usually begs the question, “What’s wrong?” We all know this is a lie designed to avoid conflict, but it usually draws out more of it, simply by its uncooperative and uncommunicative nature. Tell your partner what you need, rather than leaving them frustrated and guessing.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it”

This phrase is never an invitation to sit and relax, as some partners like to fantasize the first time they hear it. This partner is also playing the martyr, hoping that by watching them lug heavy groceries (or whatever) into the house, you will be filled with such guilt, you will never tell them to “wait” again. The best way to handle this is to give them a reasonable and exact time that you will help, such as “I can get to those groceries in 10 minutes,” — and then do it.

“You always/You never…”

Arguments that begin with these words are for one, weak — and two — they promote defensive behavior. These words are used to build a leverage stronghold, by giving the appearance that a partner is completely one way or another, which is almost never true. Absolute statements add fuel to any fire. By using these words, you are not only failing to provide your partner with useful information to help the situation, but are attacking them personally, which will cause them to shut down and defend themselves, rather than understand, communicate, and compromise.

“What?”

Occasionally you will find a partner really did not hear you, but often, especially when you are in the same room, this is a way to stall while they think of a good response (as in: “Why is there gasoline in my brand new Tupperware container?”), or as an act of defiance (as in: “Didn’t you hear me, I asked you to get the milk?”). Simply don’t use this word. It will help avoid conflict.

“You were great!”

There’s no place where lies are thrown around more carelessly than in the bedroom. Partners mean well when they tell each other how wonderful they performed between the sheets, but they are actually doing their partner (and themselves) a great disservice. Nobody wins when sex is bad. For one, the sex will continue to be bad, and two, there will be little hope improvement. If you are faking orgasms or suspect your partner is, open communication about what pleases you and your love is best. Experiment and start having fun!

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Dealing with Rejection


The Nine Phases of Rejection

If you are the one who is being dumped, be prepared for the “stages” of rejection. While the pain may be awful, each stage is part of the healing process. The stages generally follow the sequence described in the following bulleted list, but the steps can alternate with each other. Dealing with rejection is a lot like dealing with other kinds of loss, and the stages are similar:

THE DENIAL PHASE: “This can’t be happening.” During this stage you may find yourself waiting for the phone to ring, not believing that the relationship is actually over.

SOLUTION: Acknowledge reality and acknowledge your feelings about it. Accept but do not dwell on shame and embarrassment, and all the “shoulda/woulda/coulda’s” (I should have known better,” “I could have been sexier”).

THE BARGAINING PHASE: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that “If I get my hair cut,” or “If I just let him have sex more often,” or “If I don’t call her for a week,” he will change his mind.

SOLUTION: There’s only one solution: Accept that it’s over.

THE LONELINESS PHASE: Feeling as if no one understands or cares.

SOLUTION: Surround yourself with people who do care, and who openly say so. Remind yourself often that you are loved.

THE HEARTBREAK PHASE: Feeling like your heart is really breaking. You may even feel pain in your chest, or want to throw up when you think of that person or if you see your ex with someone else.

SOLUTION: You can go on. Rub your hand over your heart to soothe it. If you are feeling really bad, snap your fingers to interrupt the thought, and fixate on something that makes you happy. Do not drive yourself crazy with thoughts that your ex is blissfully happy while you’re miserable. Only your experience counts, and only your efforts make you happy.

THE BLAME PHASE: Pointing the finger at yourself or your ex for what each of you did wrong.

SOLUTION: Decide that neither of you is at fault but that both of you are responsible for the breakup.

THE DEPRESSION PHASE: Feeling sad, worthless, and foolish. You may have trouble eating and sleeping, and you may imagine that you’ll never find anyone to love again.

SOLUTION: Allow yourself to feel your pain, but do not wallow in self-pity. Keep busy with exercise or projects.

THE ANGER PHASE: Feeling furious for being rejected.

SOLUTION: Allow yourself to experience the anger, but don’t exaggerate it, or tack it onto all your past hurts. Don’t let yourself become bitter.

THE ACCEPTANCE PHASE: Finally believing it’s over. You no longer expect your ex to call, and you begin to feel at peace.

THE HEALING PHASE: Getting your life back. You are now ready to go out with friends and to meet new people, and you are no longer dwelling on your ex.

How to Handle Romantic Rejection

By eHow Relationships & Family Editor

Your sweetheart just told you, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” What now?

Instructions

Step1

Yeah, it hurts to hear it. The truth is, you’ll get over it.

Step2

Realize that this person, no matter how much you like him or her, is not going to reciprocate. You can’t make a person love you. And you can drive yourself crazy trying.

Step3

You deserve a partner who respects you and cares about you. You want to feel secure and valuable, right? Remember this.

Step4

At first, you’ll experience denial. “It’s not really over,” you tell yourself. Now tell yourself that it’s not your fault. You could have been this or that – but you weren’t. Don’t dwell on your imagined shortcomings.

Step5

Don’t try to get him or her back by making drastic improvements. It won’t work. It’s too late for that. If you do anything, do it for yourself. Now is the time to be selfish.

Step6

Go to your friends or family – those who accept you and will understand your hurt.

Step7

Take up a hobby or sport. Get your mind off your breakup. Stay busy – this is key.

Step8

You will get depressed. It’s normal. You will get angry; this is normal too.

Step9

Decide that you wanted it to be over. Convince yourself of this.

Step10

You might try finding someone else – and some people will suggest this – but it’s not very healthy and won’t really be fair to the new person. Give yourself time to pull yourself together.

Step11

Don’t get obsessive. If you feel that you can’t get over it by yourself, get professional help. You don’t want to turn into a stalker.

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Discovering the Courage Within

Discovering the Courage Within

by Karen Asp

Christopher Columbus needed courage. So did Lance Armstrong when he defeated cancer and captured the Tour de France in 1999. History is littered with courageous acts and courageous people. You don’t have to be a world-class explorer or professional cyclist to have courage. Everybody needs it, but how do you get it,especially when you’re like the lion before he discovered the Wizard of Oz? As the lion had to learn, courage exists inside of you. You just have to dredge it up after years of burying it behind your safety zones.

The Inborn Courage in You

Everyone was born with courage. You may not remember learning how to walk, but you know you fell hundreds of times before you stood on your own. Learning to walk took courage. And you succeeded because you had little fear or doubt. Eventually, that changed. Parents and other caregivers told you to be careful, to avoid dangers. Society, after all, values comfort over fulfillment. “We’ve been exposed to a barrage of messages that discourage us from being courageous,” says Harold Bloomfield, MD, a Yale-trained psychiatrist and author of Making Peace With Your Past.

Your Adversity Quotient

As you grew up, you patterned your response to adversity on how people around you responded to difficulty. Paul G. Stoltz, PhD, president/CEO of Peak Learning International and author of Adversity Quotient, defines this reaction to adversity as the adversity quotient (AQ). As a baby, your AQ is untested. By the time you’re 12, thanks to your environment and situations you’ve faced, you’ve developed your AQ. “The higher your AQ,” Stoltz says, “the better you’re able to summon courage and tap your greatness in times of need.” Fortunately, your AQ can be strengthened.

Courage as a Necessity

Why do you need courage? Because courage will help you live your life the way you want. “Courage is learning to overcome fear,” says Dr. Bloomfield, “and when you do that, you grow.” Today, courage is needed more than ever before. In polls that Stoltz conducted, 98% of people predicted more difficulty, chaos and uncertainty in their lives in the future. Stoltz says that 10 years ago, the average number of challenges people faced in a day was seven. Today, that number has risen to 23. Linda Larsen, author of  True Power, knows firsthand the power of courage. Over 20 years ago, she was kidnapped, raped and held hostage for over five hours. She summoned courage she didn’t know she had and escaped. “My courage didn’t let me down,” she says. “Once you know courage is always in you, you can start learning to act more courageously in life.”

Obstacles to Becoming Braver

There are, though, things that stand between you and your courageous self. Dr. Bloomfield lists the following obstacles:

1.) Fear of change. Learning how to be less controlled by your fears is one key to becoming more courageous.

2.) Either-or-thinking. You may think of yourself as a wimp and others as courageous, but there has to be a middle ground. You can live in a comfort zone, but you have to be willing to be courageous when it counts.

3.) Fear of failure. Failure is an important part of success, and being courageous involves being willing to fail at times.

4.) Lack of faith. Identify your self doubt so that you can act more courageously.

5.) Personal fears. These are fears such as fear of taking responsibility for your life; fear of self-discovery; fear of losing control; fear of moving forward; and fear of making the wrong decision. Know that you are bigger than your fears. Follow your instincts, and if doubts emerge, shove them aside.

Finding Courage in Times of Need

Stoltz says you draw courage from what matters to you. “The changes you’re willing to make are the ones that have the greatest significance,” he says. For example, if you’ve been offered a job that will force you to move across the country but you don’t care about the job, you’ll have a hard time finding courage to make the move.

Once you’ve decided what matters, then follow these suggestions for becoming more courageous.

1.) Recall previous times when you acted courageously. Did you move as a child and have to make new friends? Did you go away to college? “Focusing on times when you acted courageously will instill more courage in you,” Larsen says, adding that you should also applaud yourself for showing courage.

2.) Shift your focus. Don’t worry about failing or disappointing other people, Larsen says. Worry instead about failing yourself.

3.)Eliminate the words “wish,” “hope” and “maybe” from your vocabulary. “These words erode your courage by filling you with doubt, fear or hesitation,” says Dr. Bloomfield.

4.) Do your homework. If appropriate, know the obstacles you might encounter. Talk with other people who were once in your shoes. But remember that no matter how much you analyze the situation, you’ll still have unknown answers. “Courage doesn’t mean waiting to act until you have no fear,” explains Dr. Bloomfield. “Courage means living with heart and doing what you want when you’re scared.”

5.) Surround yourself with courageous people, Larsen says. There will always be people who say never. Find people who support and believe in you.

6.) Imagine what life will be like when your challenge has passed. “Courage can come from seeing past adversity and knowing that although it may be horrible now, it’ll get better sometime,” Stoltz says.

7.) Give it your all but don’t expect perfection, says Dr. Bloomfield. Don’t give only 50%; then you can say later that you didn’t succeed because you weren’t trying that hard. To find courage, you must be willing to give 100%.

8.) Once you’ve acted with courage, assess your response, Larsen says. Did acting with courage move you forward? If not, figure out how you would behave differently next time. If so, then bottle that courage, reward yourself, and always remember this time when you acted with courage in spite of your fears.

RESOURCES:

Dr. Harold Bloomfield

http://www.haroldbloomfield.com

Linda Larsen

http://www.lindalarsen.com

Peak Learning

http://www.peaklearning.com

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Excuses: Holding On When You Know You Should Let Go

Excuses: Holding On When You Know You Should Let Go

Even when trouble is obvious, it can be tough to let go. People have being giving lots of excuses who are unable or unwilling to leave a relationship.

“We’ve been together a long time.” Jennifer: “My boyfriend’s cheating, and now he says he doesn’t want to be with me as much as before, but I don’t want to break up. We’ve been together for five years.” It’s natural to get attached to people in our lives, but consider “reframing” the way you view the situation. Instead of regretting all of those “lost years” if you gave the relationship up, think of how many more years you’d be investing in being miserable if you stayed, consider that you’ve learned valuable lessons, and need to move on for a better future.

“He was my first.” As Pam told me, “It’s not working out with this guy I’m seeing, but I’m having a hard time letting go because he was my first.” You’ll probably always feel a special attachment to your “first,” but you can’t sacrifice happiness for sentimentality.

“But I still love him.” Keisha explained, “I know I should stop going out with him — he cheats and treats me bad — but I still love him.” Love yourself more, and treat yourself to someone who treats you well. You can always love the person, but that doesn’t mean you have to be together.

“I gave her everything.” I recently talked to a guy who told me: “I really liked this girl and bought her lots of things. In fact, I just bought her a $50 sweater, and the next day she broke up with me! What can I do to get her back?” Save your money and your self-esteem and let an ungrateful and unwilling mate go. If someone clearly doesn’t want you, regardless of your gifts, you’re trying to buy love, a sign that you may be low on self-esteem. The result is disappointing anyway, as the other person usually ends up loving you less.

Sometimes we need a kick in the pants to get out of a really bad relationship.

Laura : My boyfriend drinks too much and has been unfaithful. When I tell him I want to leave him, he says he’ll never let me go. He tells me that the problem is that I’m unhappy with my life, and I’m blaming him. Is it my problem?”

What is your problem, is that you are putting up with this man’s psychological abuse and manipulation. His drinking, cheating, blaming, and threatening are sure signs that he is the one who is desperate, disturbed, and in need of help. Don’t allow his threats to intimidate and paralyze you. Life is too precious to waste, so don’t spend another minute being miserable and treated poorly. Be firm about your complaints, expectations, and intentions. Take action — get legal counsel or an order of protection if you think you need it. insist that he get counseling, and get support for yourself (from friends, a therapist, or a 12-step program for people in relationships with alcoholics) to shore up your self-esteem. Then bless the guy and send him on his way.

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How To Be A Good Friend


How to Be a Good Friend

Have you found yourself pondering how to make that new person in your life be friends with you? Want to get closer and demonstrate your support, loyalty and love to your mates? Read on for ways to be a great buddy and in the process, show your pals how you would like to be treated, too.

Steps

Be real.

Are you trying to be friends with someone to be accepted into a certain clique, or because you’d like to get to know someone else that he or she knows? That’s not friendship, it’s opportunism. Every new person you meet has the right to be accepted (or not) on his or her own merits, rather than being appraised and appropriated by some weird Professor Henry Higgins who thinks he can mold you or who wants you to change for his sake.

Be honest.

A dishonest person has no chance of having true friends. Keep your promises, do what you say you are going to do, and most importantly, don’t lie! Lying leads to more lies, and people will eventually figure you out. If you found yourself lying about something, be honest – go up to them, tell them the truth and how you felt, as well as how you may think they would’ve felt (explain that you were second-guessing rather than trusting your friendship). Don’t be a coward; if you know you were at fault for the whole dilemma, own up. Simply talk about it, hope your friend will forgive you. They’d most likely appreciate it in the future, to look back and say, ‘wow!’ I have/had an amazing friend by my side.

Be loyal.

If your friend tells you something in confidence, don’t blab about it to anyone else. Don’t talk about your friend behind his/her back. Nobody likes a backstabber. Never say anything about your friend that you would not want to repeat face to face. Don’t let others say bad things about your friend until you’ve had a chance to hear your friend’s side of the story. If someone says something that shocks you and doesn’t seem like a thing your friend would do or say, tell them, “I know him/her, and that just doesn’t sound right. Let me talk to him/her, find out his/her perspective on this. If it turns out to be true, I’ll let you know. Otherwise, I would appreciate it if you didn’t spread that around, because it might not be.” You can’t play both sides of the fence.

Be respectful.

Know the boundaries. Things you and your friend discuss should be treated with care – your friend is not sharing this information with just anyone, and may not want to. She shared it with you – and only you, as far as you know. Example: If your friend doesn’t want to name her crush, don’t push her into it. If she has named her crush, don’t tell anyone else. This is just common courtesy anyone and everyone deserves the expectation that you will keep confidences.

Watch out for your friend.

If you sense that s/he is getting drunk at a party, help him or her to get away from the alcohol. Don’t allow your friend to drive drunk – take his or her keys and/or drive your friend home personally. If your friend begins talking about running away or committing suicide, tell someone about it. This rule overrides the “respect privacy” step, because even if your friend begs you not to tell anyone, you should do it anyway. Suggest a help line or professional to your friend. Talk to your and your friend’s parents or spouse first (unless they are the ones causing the problems) before involving anyone else.

Pitch in for friends during times of crisis.

If your friend has to go to the hospital, you could help pack his or her bags; if her/his dog runs away, help to find it, if he/she needs someone to pick him/her up, be there. Take notes for your friend in school and give them their homework assignments when they’re absent and sick at home. Send cards and care packages. If there is a death in his/her family, you might want to attend the funeral or cook dinner for them. Care about your friend enough to help him or her open up and let tears roll. Give them a tissue and listen. You don’t have to say anything, just be with them.

If your friend is going through a crisis, don’t tell them everything is going to be all right if it’s not going to be.

This goes right along with keeping it real. It’s hard not to say this sometimes, but false reassurance can often be worse than none, and it may undermine your friend’s ability to get through the crisis as well as they might. Instead, tell your friend that whatever they need, you are there for them. If they need to talk, talk; if they need to sit quietly, sit with them; if they need to get their mind off things, take them to a movie or concert. Give them a hug. You are friends, not strangers, after all. Just stay honest, but upbeat and positive. Even a stranger would most probably appreciate it.

Give advice, add perspective.

Don’t judge your friend, but do advise to stay out of situations where they may harm themselves or others. Tell him/her how you perceive his/her situation, and what you might do in the same circumstances. Don’t be offended if they listen to your advice and then decide to ignore it. Your friend must make his or her own decisions. Avoid saying “You should…”.

Give your friend space.

Understand if he/she wants to be alone or hang out with other people. Allow it to happen. There’s no need to become clingy or needy. Allowing one another the time to hang with other friends gives you much-needed breathing room, and allows you to come together fresh and appreciating each other even more.

Never make a promise you know you can’t keep.

Good friendship is based on trust – if you break a friend’s trust, the friendship may be very hard to salvage. Of course, if you have made a promise and planned to keep it, but circumstances beyond your control conspire to prevent it, let your friend know as soon as you find out. Don’t wait until 15 minutes after you were supposed to arrive to call and say, “gee, I’m sorry.” Instead, a quick call to say, “Hey, I know I promised to help you with whatever it is, but my mom is telling me we are going to my aunt’s for the weekend, and leaving tomorrow just after school – that means I won’t be able to make it. I’m so sorry. Can we reschedule?” That’s just honoring the fact that your friend is counting on you, and respecting the fact that, given a little notice, your friend might just be able to get someone else to help with whatever it was – or not, whatever. But at least you won’t be hanging your friend out to twist in the wind.

Listen to them.

You don’t have to agree with them – just listen to what they have to say. Make sure they are talking too and you are not just running your mouth. Some people don’t really find it interesting listening to someone talk about their feelings 24/7. If you’re monopolizing every conversation with your feelings, they aren’t getting anything out of the friendship. Invite them to share their hearts with you as often as you share yours with them.

Don’t abuse their generosity or “wear out your welcome”

If your friend does something nice for you, then reciprocate. Money doesn’t have to be an issue. Don’t use your friends! Don’t let them pay every time you go out, even if they offer. Don’t help yourself to things at their house without asking, unless you are willing and they do the same at your house. No one wants to be friends with a moocher or feel used. If you borrow something from a friend, take good care of it and then return it without being asked. Also, if you end the friendship then you should return any gifts they bought for you, especially if they gave you any gifts under false pretences. It’s proper etiquette.

Live by the golden rule.

Always treat a friend as you would want to be treated. If you don’t there will be repercussions. Don’t do or say anything to them that you wouldn’t want done to you. Be there for them through thick and thin as long as they are a TRUE friend to you. Also learn to forgive, and apologize.

Tips

  • If you are somewhere where there is a celebrity, get an autograph for your friend.
  • Make sure your friend doesn’t have to spend a birthday alone. You can hold a party for them (even a surprise party if you can keep a secret) or take them out to dinner and pay for their meal.
  • Have fun. It’s not all about bleeding hearts and advice to the lovelorn – or at least, it shouldn’t be. Decorate your friend’s locker on his or her birthday, have a spa party, host a sleepover, whatever. Join activities with them.
  • You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be a good friend. The best gifts are often hand-made and come from the heart.
  • Don’t set too many expectations and rules. That’s just trapping others in your dimension. Allowing your friendship to evolve and change naturally is really best – it allows your friend to be as unique and individual as you are, and for both of you to enjoy one another in that light.
  • If someone is in any difficulty and he/she behaves in a way that’s very hurtful to you, then don’t be angry and try to understand their problems.

Warnings

  • Don’t be needy and greedy by taking up all your friend’s time. This could get extremely annoying and irritating. He/she will WANT to get rid of you if you become needy. Relax and trust in your friendship, and allow each other the freedom to be with each other, or with others, or just alone.
  • Don’t hang out with somebody because you’re both “nerds” or you’re both “geeks” or “gangsters” . You don’t have to hang out with people just like you. Sometimes the weirdest friend combos make the best of friends. Any person can transcend stereotype be the most wonderful person you’ve ever met in your life – keep your mind open and form your own opinions.
  • If your friend doesn’t treat you the same way, get rid of them. If you treat them well, there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t expect the same treatment. Don’t stay with a friend who doesn’t treat you well.

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How to Be Happy and Love Yourself Even when Everyone Puts You Down

How to Be Happy and Love Yourself Even when Everyone Puts You Down

“Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” -  Auntie Mame

Finding your own happiness starts and ends with you. Read on to find out how to have more joy in life.

Steps

  1. Listen to the put down. Is it something petty, like, “I hate that color on you”, or is a rude comment, such as, “You’re lazy!”? Petty unfounded comments are like a fly stinging a horse; they should be brushed off, but rude comments need more attention.
  2. Ask yourself if a rude comment is true. “Am I lazy?” If you know the answer off the top of your head, then brush off the comment (unless it’s repeated behavior, then you may want to avoid that person, talk to them about it or tell your boss/teacher, if needed).
  3. Ask a trusted friend if they think the comment is true, or you can ask the person why they made that comment, and to give you examples. A good friend will be constructive and help you as much as they can.
  4. Work on it if you think the person insulting you has a point. Nobody is perfect, but by being proactive you will improve that particular aspect of yourself. Too meek? Work on it! Take some confidence or public speaking classes. Unfit? Grab a tracksuit and hit the gym. You don’t have to do this for every little thing, but working on the big things holding you back will massively improve yourself and your attitude.
  5. Learn to ignore worthless comments. They’re opinions that are just meant to hurt your feelings, and are not at all truthful. Try to remember that people often insult out of anger or jealousy. Some people take joy out of hurting others, and anything they say should be put in the back of your mind.
  6. Laugh at yourself. If it’s not a big deal to you, it shouldn’t be an issue to others. But remember, laughing at something that really injures your self-esteem is a no. It just gives others the feeling that they too can do that to you.

Tips

  • Get to know who you are and what you want. When you are comfortable in your own skin, loving yourself comes naturally.
  • You may need to spend more time alone to get to know yourself. Ask yourself, “What do you want?” What makes you happy?” “What don’t you like?” “What are you willing to do to please yourself?” Keeping a journal is highly recommended.
  • When you know who you are, and what you like, you will begin to attract like-minded people. “Birds of a feather flock together” is NOT just a saying.
  • Having like-minded, supportive friends will help you ignore the small stuff.
  • Remember, it all starts with you getting to know yourself and liking yourself. Until you do that, don’t be surprised if few people like you.
  • Good luck on your journey to joy!

Warnings

  • There are people who are just plain mean spirited. They tend to be jealous of kind hearted, friendly, and/or happy people. Stay away from them as much as possible.

How to Be Okay With Being You

Often enough, you find yourselves in situations where you are intimidated by people who are either overly well presented or are simply ‘better.’ Sometimes, this might lead you to think you aren’t good enough. This is only true to a certain extent: after all, there is always room for improvement, nobody’s perfect.

Steps

  1. If you aren’t the prettiest or the smartest or the most charismatic person you know, that’s okay. As long as you know you’re okay with being ‘un-pretty’ or ‘un-smart,’ there is nothing wrong with you. If you do feel there is room for improvement, go ahead and make the necessary changes. If you don’t think you look your best or do well in tests because you don’t make an effort, make an effort and notice the change. If you aren’t satisfied with the change, ask yourself two simple questions:
  • Are you happy with who you are? If yes, then there’s nothing to worry about. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what you think. If you’re okay with you and you’ve done your best in whatever it is, you should be quite content.
  • Have you given yourself enough time for improvement? Miracles don’t occur that often, you know. Give yourself time for improvement, you can’t expect to be the best without letting everything sink in. It all takes time.
  1. Build your self -confidence. You can’t be okay with you unless you’re confident. If you are confident, you’ll be okay with being the way you are. You can build your self-confidence by getting out more- if you’re shy or quiet, take part in a few activities and get to know people. This will help you improve in the particular activity over time and simultaneously give you confidence that you’re good at something. Always stress on what you’re good at and strive to improve when you feel like a failure.
  2. If things get really bad, talk to someone about your not being okay with being you. Chances are you probably need a shoulder to let it out on. Friends and family are always there, you know.
  3. Remember that no matter how you try, you cannot ever be the “best” at everything to everyone. There is no way. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. So be happy and confident with yourself, don’t change for anyone, and love yourself. If you love yourself, then the people who really matter in your life will love you too, no matter what.

Tips

  • Read self-help books to gain additional background theory on self-improvement or self-esteem.
  • Try to communicate more with people that you see everyday. Suddenly you’ll feel much better about yourself and others will see you as really natural person.

Warnings

  • Don’t be over-confident or conceited and expect to be okay with yourself. There’s always room for improvement. Pick on your bad points and improve. Moreover, stress on.

How to Be Cheerful

Cheerfulness and kindness come from the heart. However, sometimes its hard to be cheerful and optimistic towards others. Here are some ways to draw out these wonderful qualities.

Steps

  1. Be comfortable in your own skin. You are your own special person, with your own individual traits and strong points. Be proud of these abilities and be happy about who you are. Understand that even though you’re not perfect, you can still soar to your full potential.
  2. Help someone who is in need. Not everybody is as fortunate as you are, nor do some people have as much love as you do. Try to help them out by donating to charities, running a food drive, or even offering a simple smile. Your dedication will shine- and you’ll make someone else happy along the way!
  3. Look on the bright side, but be honest. If you’re having a bad day, identify it! You shouldn’t just ignore the fact. Then, after you’ve analysed the fact that you’re experiencing a bad day, think up ways to make it better. For example, say you’re stuck in a terrible rainstorm, and need to get home. You should certainly identify what a problem this is. However, you can remind yourself how lucky it is that you’re only 5 minutes away from your house- while your friend Mike is 40 minutes away. There’s always something positive.
  4. Listen. Reassure others, and listen to their thoughts. You may find some insight, or even a laugh!
  5. Keep an open mind. Let the chips fall where they may. Something may look worse than it actually is.
  6. Don’t put people down. Instead, encourage them to rise and accomplish their goals. Display optimism, and cheer them on each and every step of the way. Your optimism will become contagious.
  7. Never judge too harshly. Never judge a person by appearance. That quiet girl in the back of the room may look scary, but inside she may like soccer just like you! You never know if you’ll be in that position someday and need a friend. Be a friend.

Tips

  • Don’t be negative, cynical, or deceitful.
  • Always be sure to smile. It’ll make everyone around you feel good!
  • Get out of the house. Sometimes being alone is good but loneliness can consume you. Take a bike ride in the sun or ask a friend out for coffee.
  • Listen to your mind some of the time, and your heart all of the time.

Warnings

  • Although you should always feel good about yourself, never become conceited. We all have our negative points too- no one is perfect, not even you.
  • Cheerfulness is often mistaken for being fake. Don’t talk in little high voices and pretend to be perfect. You’ll just end up annoying everybody.
  • Be careful; with the opposite sex, sometimes kindness can be misconstrued as a come on. Make sure your intentions are clear, if unwanted.
  • Don’t consume too much alcohol too often. You may later regret something you may have done or said to someone. Keep a clear mind.

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How to Become Friends Witn an Enemy

By an eHow Contributor


Everyone either knew a bully or had an enemy when they were growing up. Some can tell you today that in the end, they became friends. Others can only say that the bully probably never changed.

Hate, fear and resentment are emotions that take up space in our minds and hearts. This space could be better utilized with other wholesome feelings, such as love, tolerance and acceptance. Many people in the holistic healing communities believe that most all diseases, including cancer, are caused by harboring negative emotions. So try these tips to get healthier and become friends with an enemy.

Steps

  1. Determine why that person was your enemy. Did you do something bad to him/her or a close friend of that person? In that case, try to make amends, and explain yourself.
  2. Approach this person and tell them that you want to resolve the issues that you two have together. Apologize, start over. Explain to that person why you don’t want to hate.
  3. Let this person know that you could probably be really good friends, and that differences don’t matter. Even though you may not like your differences, acceptance can change those thoughts.
  4. Tell this person that it isn’t worth it to feel the wrath. You could be having fun together, instead of hating, ignoring and fighting each other.
  5. Invite your enemy to your home to play video games, go shoot pool, go to an arcade, a skate park. Anything that tells your enemy that you are not a threat. Try to change your enemy slowly – don’t suddenly treat him/her like a close friend. They’d wonder what’s up.
  6. Offer to hang out with your enemy sometime, give him or her your phone number or email address, and tell them that if they ever need something, or someone to talk to, that they can call you. By doing this, you’re letting them know that you no longer want to fight. Do not offer your phone number if you feel they may misuse it.
  7. Trust your guts if they tell you to be cautious. Just be friends but don’t get too close. Don’t tell them your secrets, or give them a key to your house or anything similar to that. If you don’t feel comfortable, approach that person when you do. Take all the time you wish. Not everyone’s reliable. Be aware, for your own good.
  8. A strange but true method (schoolyard fights only) is to have a one on one fight with each other, then stand together in the face of authority when you two are caught, and defend them rather than try to incriminate them. If this does not earn you a friend, it will at least earn you the respect of your opponent.

Tips

  • If you don’t feel comfortable by going anywhere with your enemy alone, let them know that a few of your friends will be there also.
  • Talk to your enemy about things that he or she likes, you never know, you may have something in common, and that could start a friendship.
  • Prove yourself. Often, your enemy just doesn’t respect you. Show you are worth it through your achievements (academic, athletic, whatever).
  • Be there for your enemy. It could sound like something cheesy, but if your enemy is getting bullied, prove yourself a friend and defend them!
  • Be optimistic.
  • Find open minded ways to lighten the anger in your heart towards that person, and be creative on how you would get that person closer to you.
  • Leave them alone if they are getting angry.

Warnings

  • Not everyone will take this and go with it. Some people are just difficult, and you may not be able to get through to them. You might have to just let them go their separate ways.
  • If this person is the dangerous type (violent, or could possibly have weapons) it’s best to leave it, and not approach him or her. Tell someone.
  • If this was a verbal bully, they may just not like you at all. Don’t get all caught up in saying bad things about each other.
  • If you feel that this person is a threat to you, or someone else, tell someone, anyone, immediately. A parent, school counselor, teacher, principal, police officer, etc. It may sound weird, but it’s for your own safety.
  • Do not offer your phone number if you feel they may misuse it.
  • Don’t get too close in a short period.

Instructions

  1. Talk over your feelings with a trusted confidante. You may be way off base in some assumptions that you have made about your enemy. The person to whom you confide may help you put the relationship in perspective so you can take the initial steps of becoming friends with the enemy.
  2. Pray for your enemy using whatever kind of religious or spiritual practice that you believe in. Pray for good things to happen to the person you hold in such disregard. Even if you don’t believe in a God, you can ask the universe to bring prosperity and happiness to your enemy.
  3. Forgive your enemy for whatever wrong you feel he has done to you. First forgive him in your own thoughts. Dismiss the perceived wrong as something over which he had no control. You may or may not need to tell him to his face that you forgive him. Wait and see.
  4. Ask for forgiveness from your enemies. It takes two people to form any kind of relationship, even a negative one. You played a part in this discord and you should take the high road and apologize. Do not expect an apology in return, though it is very likely you will get one. Then you can express your forgiveness and work on a new relationship.
  5. Invite your former enemy to join you in an important event, such as a family gathering or concert of your favorite band. Do things together on a regular basis to build and maintain the friendship.


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How to Deal With a Jealous Person

How to Deal With a Jealous Person

Whether you’re dealing with a jealous acquaintance, relative, friend, mate or even a stranger, here’s some step-by-step advice on how to respond. Also some tips to help you if you are feeling jealous as well.

Steps

  1. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand the reasons behind his or her feelings. Jealousy often stems from insecurity or a sense of deep loss.
  2. Offer encouragement and praise when something goes right for your friend, but whatever you do, don’t hide your happiness for what is going right in your life. A true friend supports at all times and should be happy for your accomplishments.
  3. Try to help the other person get what they are wishing to have. Give them helpful advice and suggestions.
  4. Try not to say things that would make the person jealous. Don’t have any big upset reaction to their jealousy because sometimes it feeds it. Stay calm and look them in the eye.
  5. Look before you get involved with a very jealous person in a romantic relationship. If it is uncomfortable in any way-get out of the relationship at once. There are signs to watch for and it can be a big problem for you in the future. If they don’t want you to have other friends-be careful. It is healthy and necessary for people to make friends, be comfortable around other people and make decisions based on your feelings or your judgement.
  6. Realize that jealousy can be the root of many evil behaviors/ painful thoughts and even ruin a person. Everyone can feel jealous once in awhile but if it is always present and bothering you should seek help immediately. If you feel like you are doing strange, out of character things: spying, going through a person’s things, waiting in your car at their work,etc. than you might be in the state of “romantic jealousy”. It can be agony and you need to talk to someone about your problem.
  7. Listen to the little voice inside of you. If it tells you to avoid, be afraid or scared of a person-listen to it.

Tips

  • You might be a fun, beautiful, gregarious person that people are jealous of. Too bad. Let them. You won’t serve yourself any better by catering to their hate.
  • When someone is envious of you, it means that you have something they want. If you want to help them and they seem nice and worth the effort, offer to tell them where you got that shirt or those shoes. Tell them how you stay positive.
  • Empowering them is a good way to diffuse their jealousy, but only do this for those people you feel are worthy of your time and energy. Ignore the others.
  • Their jealousy is a mask for insecurity. Once you recognize there’s nothing behind the veneer, you’ll be fine.
  • You have the right as a person to be in a stable healthy relationships. Choose to do so

Warnings

  • Jealous people will try to bring you down to their level. Don’t let them. You don’t have to be in a abusive relationship with anyone!
  • If your mate is always jealous for no reason, accusing you of false affairs or activities, than you may be in trouble. Extreme jealousy can lead to very dangerous behavior. If you are not sure if your mate or date is mentally stable-be very careful. Stay safe and protect yourself. Don’t make fun of them just reassure them that you care about them. Consider getting out of the relationship slowly and over time.
  • Someone acting jealous does not mean they care about you. It means they have self esteem problems or can not except the end of the relationship.
  • If you feel extreme jealousy and want to hurt the person or their belongings. Stop! Understand that your pain will stop over time and you will deeply regret any violence you have done. You need to reach out and talk to someone even if it is embarrassing. The person that you will feel jealous over has changed or moved on with their life. Ask yourself why? Try to “vent” out your strong feelings in writing as well just don’t take actions towards the person.
  • You have the right to end any conversation with a person who puts you down or is nasty in anyway.

Top 5 Signs His Jealousy Is Out of Control

By: Dr. Jane Greer, PhD

Do you ever ask yourself, “Am I dealing with a jealous partner?” Is his (or her) jealousy reasonable? Is it rational or is it irrational? Is he (or she) being so jealous, that it’s not right and it’s not fair?

Here are 5 signs to watch out for…

#1. Is he calling you all the time and checking up on you? Does he always ask who are you talking to and where are you going?

#2. Is he making issues about you taking time to spend on your own?  Does he get upset or angry when you want to go out by yourself or with your friends?

#3. Does he get upset or complain if you talk to other guys? Does he accuse you of being interested in someone other than him? Does he refuse to see that you are just being social and playful, having a good time with other people and that you just want to share that good time with him?

#4. Does he always want to know what time you’re coming home and then get angry if you come home later than you expected? Do you feel like you don’t have freedom to be yourself and do the things that are important to you?

#5. This one is very important. Is he going through your personal things… emails, phone messages, your date book… trying to find out where you’re going and who you’re with because he don’t trust you?

If you think your partner is jealous, the first thing to do is to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. Take his feelings seriously, but at the same time make sure you preserve space to do your own thing.

If he persists on trying to limit your life and the activities you share with other people to the point where you are feeling controlled by him, then it is time to reach out and talk to a counselor to help you learn how to set limits and put controls in place for yourself… so that you hold on to what’s important to you and don’t start giving things up out of fear of his jealousy or to placate him.


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HOW TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LAST FOREVER

HOW TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LAST

By Gladeana McMahon

Many of us have been enjoying the television series “Desperate Wives” and perhaps have felt relieved that our relationship is healthy, happy and contented.  However, perhaps the program I have also struck an uncomfortable chord with some.

When couples have been together for some time it is easy to get into bad relationship habits.  Relationships need to be worked at and up-dated to ensure they do not reach their sell-by date.  We see celebrity couple come and go and we seem truly surprised when a relationship lasts more than a few years – yet for our mothers and grandmothers long-term relationships were the norm.

If you want a relationship to work then you and your partner need to think about the things you have to do to give you both a chance of reaching your golden anniversary.   As someone entering her 23rd year of being with the same man I know only too well the kinds of challenges that need to be faced.

By following a few simple rules you and your partner can maintain a healthy and a long-lasting relationship.

  • Things change

There is always something new to find out about another person regardless of how long you have known each other.  People change and so do the challenges we face when we are in our 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s and beyond.  One big mistake is to assume that each of you continues to believe and need the same things that you always have. If you do not want to wake up one day and discover you have nothing in common, you need to keep talking about your dreams, your thoughts and how you would like life to be.  Children will change your relationship and you need to plan for such changes.  Do not assume that you will just automatically adjust.  I have seen far too many couples who have not talked about major life events ending up surprised that their partner has not behaved as expected when the time has come.

  • Don’t bottle things up – silence damages relationships

If you are unhappy make a point of telling your partner.  Do not blame the other person but explain how you feel in clear terms.  If you bottle up your feelings you are being unfair to your partner as he or she is not a mind reader and cannot make changes without knowing what’s wrong.  I wish I had a pound for every time someone has said to me “he or she should have known!” You are likely to end up resenting the other person and your resentment will show itself however hard you try to hide it. Problems do not normally go away and the sooner you deal with a problem the sooner you can move on.  Some people say they do not like conflict, which is why they say nothing.  However if you think about it this is a kind of false logic.  It is one thing giving up a small personal preference like a particular type of cereal and another when we are talking about feelings and life events that can, in the long-term, lead relationships to break down.  Would you rather have one or two major disagreements, clear the air and strengthen your relationship or erode it bit by bit till it is so weak that something very small becomes the final straw.  Be brave – it will pay dividends.

  • You, Me and Us – get the right balance

There are three components to a relationship – a ‘you’, a ‘me’ and an ‘us’. The ‘you’ and ‘me’ relates to the fact that you are both individuals and need to have individual activities so you have something fresh to bring to  the relationship.  If you allow yourself to be taken over by another person you run the risk of becoming boring and uninteresting. Many women lose a sense of who they are because they end up being tied to the house, the children, looking after relatives and keeping their partner happy.  If you do not treat yourself as an independent person your confidence will suffer and, in turn, your partner may well wonder what happened to the woman he first met.  The “us” relates to the things you do together as a couple. In the same way that it is important to maintain your uniqueness in the relationship it is also important to make a point of looking for new activities you can both share – after all variety is the spice of life. Joint activities also provide you with common goals and reaching these together can bring you closer.

Be realistic and grateful No one person can provide you with everything you need and if you believe this is the case you are likely to be sadly disappointed.  Not only that but your unrealistic expectations are likely to harm your relationship leaving your partner feeling inadequate and frustrated and you dissatisfied with a feeling that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.   Women now have more choices than ever before.  We can chose when we have children, we can chose to end a relationship and we can chose to be economically independent.  However, there is a dilemma about choice since although choice provides freedom it also means living with the consequences of the choice. Although our grandmothers may have had to put up with poor relationships because there was little option for a single woman with children, many of them also learned how to make a relationship work because they had to and did not have a choice.

One of the keys is to recognize that if a relationship provides you with 70% of what you want you are doing well.   It’s an old lesson but being grateful for what you have will make you feel happier and is likely to help you maintain your relationship.

  • Keep Laughing

Relationships face challenges and a shared sense of humor helps you deal with life when it gets difficult.  Laughing is not only an excellent stress management technique but it also helps strengthen a relationship. Laughter reminds both of you that there is more to life than the trials and tribulations you face as it helps you both forget your life-challenges if only for a short time.  Laughter helps you keep perspective, which is often the first thing to go when we are troubled.

  • Keep an active sex life going

After a while any relationship can get a bit stale in the sex department and this is particularly true when children come along.  Think of new things to try out. For example, send each other unexpected sexy text messages, emails or notes, talk about your fantasies and try making love at different times of the day.  You may not have much time due to family commitments so make the time you do have as exciting as possible.  A good sex life not only helps you live longer but also bonds relationships. Think about having a ‘dirty weekend’ with your partner once a month. You can do this at home if you can get a relative to take the kids and if a weekend is not possible aim for an afternoon or an evening – be inventive.

  • Professional Help

If your relationship is in trouble then get professional help as soon as possible.  The sooner you deal with a problem the more likely it is you can recover from it. If this is the case make an appointment to see a relationship coach or couple’s counselor.

Here are a few ways to overcome the downsides and make a relationship last forever.

  • Keep paying compliments.

Among the first signs that two people have begun to take each other for granted is the absence of compliments in their mutual exchanges. Every being – and that includes your partner too – needs to be assured that he/she is still as attractive, funny and special as when you first fell in love. Just remember how wonderful it feels to be paid a compliment by your partner and then do the same for him/her.

  • Make time for each other.

While in the first days of your relationship, you just couldn’t stay away from your partner, now you barely get to see him/her other than the weekends. It is natural for people to get on with their working or domestic lives, no matter how great the emotional upheavals, but at the same time it is equally important that you both spend some quality time together. Keep aside around twenty minutes of a day purely for each other. Don’t allow distractions from the outer world or even kids during this “us” time and refrain from discussing work or domestic responsibilities. Just be there for each other.

  • Don’t stop communicating.

Often when partners feel that their emotional needs are not being met in the relationship, they simply stop communicating with each other. They may talk of work, kids and whether to have the Smiths over for lunch on Sunday but the real concerns, joys and anxieties felt by either partner often do not get articulated. Remember that sharing what you both think and feel is the first step of getting rid of the cobwebs which if allowed to grow can smother in a relationship.

  • Pursue common interests.

After the heady days of passion are over, couples need other areas of interests to keep them together. Sharing hobbies is a remarkable way of doing so since it lets you spend time with each other while creating something new and different together. It is not necessary for a couple to love exactly the same things in the same way but perhaps share a couple of interests, other than their relationship, which will let them talk and do things with each other. So if you both love the outdoors, explore options like gardening, bird-watching, hiking or something more adventurous like rock-climbing. For those who are drawn to the power of the written word can try joining book clubs, amateur theater groups, community periodicals or simply make a visit to the library a part of their weekend routine.

  • Don’t forget to have fun.

Mystery dates, surprises and even role playing are all wonderful ways of keeping the element of fun in a relationship. Secretly plan a day with your partner at a circus or try to replicate his/her favorite Lebanese dish at home. Once in a while surprise your partner with a gift or perhaps just a bunch of his/her favorite blooms and see the difference it makes to your relationship in the long run.

  • Thrash out the finances.

Money is one of the most common reasons for couples breaking up. It can be because you have too much of it, not enough of it or feel differently on how to spend and save. To sort out such issues, talk about your individual financial priorities as well as how much you are willing to give to your relationship. If living together, draw up a budget and decide who pays for what and how much. Here once again, effective communication is the key to better understanding of personal as well as mutual financial responsibilities.

  • Connect physically.

Contemporary popular culture’s obsession with sex has left practically every relationship bogged down with doubts. Couples worry whether they are doing it too often, not often enough, the right way or for the right reasons. Here the solution is to find what works for your relationship and stick to that. However issues like sexual incompatibility or absence of sex should be worked out with sensitivity and if needed with the help of a professional.

  • Respect each other.

Couples who have been together for a long time vouch for the importance of mutual respect in a relationship. After the rose-tinted glasses have come off and you are just two individuals trying to make the best of a partnership, it is crucial that you continue to respect each other’s values, life goals, space and families. You may no longer share exactly the same dreams for future or believe in God the same way, but you can make your relationship last forever if you treat each other with consideration and respect.

  • Take a break.

One of the easiest ways to energize a relationship is to leave it all behind and simply leave with your partner. Take a vacation and let work, family, friends do the best they can without you. Use the break to recoup mentally and physically as well as to come closer to your partner. If you have financial constraints or small kids and cannot go away for long periods, consider taking a weekend off at a health resort or a quiet place in the country.

  • And finally, don’t forget to say “I love you”.

No matter how long you have been in a relationship or how busy you are, expressing your love verbally is essential if you want your relationship to last forever. These three words not only mean what they say but also that your partner is special to you and despite every other reality, this one remains supreme and unchangeable.

“…and they lived happily ever after”. While princesses and princes can bask in the glow of fairy-tale endings, things are not so smooth for couples in real life. However if you remember to take each day as it comes with patience and understanding besides being ready to put in some hard work, there is no reason you cannot make a relationship last forever.

The keys to making a relationship last are the following:

By: Robyn Cruze

Break Studios Contributing Writer

Like everything, learning how to make your relationship last takes practice and commitment by both parties. It would be easy to think that if it was “meant to be” then it would be easy to make your relationship last. That’s not the reality – it never has been. It never will be.

  • Be clear why you really want it to.

Sometimes it is easy for us to fall in love with love and not the actual person we are currently having a relationship with. Check yourself. Be sure that the person you want to make the relationship last with is really a compatible person for you.

  • Know your partner’s good qualities.

When making a relationship last it is always important to know your partner fully. Your partner may not be good at cleaning but he/she is good at cooking. So if you are a very neat person and like everything in order, then clean. Let them cook. Know your partner’s strong points and use it to benefit your relationship.

  • Don’t make your partner your life.

When we depend on others to provide all of our happiness, it not only leads to an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship; it also causes unnecessary friction within a relationship. Somebody is bound to pull away if expectations and pressure is too high. Take time out for yourself and encourage your partner to do the same.

  • Communicate.

Open communication is a big deal, people.  Make it safe for your partner to express himself or herself without judgment or criticism. Often we are so busy being on the defensive that we miss the other’s point. Often the point being made is valid and if we listen, it could open our mind to something new.

  • Detach with love.

Being a human being we want to comfort our partner during difficult times in their lives. It is awesome to show compassion and empathy for your partners struggle. However, if you want to make your relationship work, it is vital not to carry your partner’s burden. If you do this you will find yourself very tired and very stressed out.  Be there for your partner, but don’t carry their burden.

  • Make time for fun.

In today’s society, it is so easy to work and waste our time numbing out with TV, or the like. Making a relationship last takes effort on both your parts. Take the initiative to plan a fun date night, make a romantic play-date for just you and your partner. You don’t need lots of money for this, just a great imagination.

  • Surprise them.

One of the ways we can keep the spice in our relationship is to surprise your partner. Seriously, don’t underestimate a bunch of flowers or a ticket to a game… these gestures are talked about a lot because they work. It is important not to feel like our relationship is the “same ole’, same ole’.” In the fun department, keep your partner guessing.

The bottom line: making a relationship last takes effort. When you make an effort, the relationship will not only last, but it will be fulfilling, rewarding.  It will grow and so will you.

9 Ways to Make Your Relationship Last

By relationship expert Stacy D. Phillips for Hitched

As a divorce attorney, I pride myself on having saved some marriages during my 25 years in practice. I would very much like to see people work things out, if they can. I have come to realize that if couples try one or more of the following 9 suggestions, they may be able to keep their relationship from hitting the rocks in the first place.

1. Delineate “yours,” “mine,” and “ours.”

If you have finances that should be placed in each of these three categories (for example, you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about your time away from “together” activities, like he wants to bowl with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations. Doing so will make the relationship stronger.

2. Carve out time to be together.

Sure, you’re busy working and attending meetings, but how important are those things if your relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking in a movie. Take regular vacations together — at least a couple of long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations (more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.

3. Take care of yourself.

Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly, eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking at you, but you’ll feel better about yourself.

4. Make sure communication goes both ways.

Many relationships fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated, angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.

5. Criticize gently.

Don’t judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and considerate.

6. Never stop courting one another.

Gifts, compliments, and a loving embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a “just because” way. Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your partner all over again.

7. Keep the flame burning.

Keep your romance alive despite the chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your partner’s pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite meal when you know she’s had an impossible day, or entice him into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had burns forever.

8. Spell out your terms of endearment.

Call out the expectations for one another in the form of the “terms” of your relationship together. Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments (needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down a relationship.

9. Renegotiate your contract.

Your relationship will evolve, and your needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year, it’s a good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each other — whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to allow such a “contract” to ruin your relationship.

Rules in Making Your Relationship Last

By Rachael West

I did a bit research and have come up with the Top 4 “rules” in making your relationship last -

1. Share your expectations and needs

Couples need to understand each other’s need and wants. It is not enough that you communicate with each other. What you communicate about and how you communicate will help a lot to nurture your relationship.

Each of us have expectations of what we want in our partner and in our relationship. Knowing what your partner expects out of you and your relationship will make things easier on both of you as you will both be able to avoid the frustration that comes out of the day-to-day disappointment caused by the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts.

This frustration is very damaging to the relationship and piles up. So be sure to check in with your partner regarding his/her expectations at least once a year as expectations change.

2. Nurture the Positive

To keep a relationship going, you need to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects, it would be best to focus on the things that make you feel blessed to be with him/her. Doing this will add more fun and excitement to your relationship.

The more positive feelings you have toward your partner and the relationship you are in, the more you are willing to work it out. Keep in mind that a happy relationship is one where the positive far outweighs the negative.

3. Show Your Love

Everyone needs love and affirmation. We all want to feel loved and appreciated. It makes us happier and makes us feel good about ourselves.

It would be to your advantage if you make an effort to show your partner how much you appreciate and love him/her. Compliment him/her, be gracious and respect him/her. Small compliments will go a long way to keep you and your partner smiling.

4. Make Time for Each Other

For couples who have been together for sometime, it is easy to get caught up in the daily grind of responsibilities and chores that they no longer have time for each other. Do not let this happen to you.

It is important that you allot time for each other each week just to reconnect and to keep the relationship going. Continue to discover each other. It does not have to be heavy conversation all the time. Even fun conversation topics can help you get to know each other better.

Do not follow the old advice which says that you need to be mysterious to keep the love alive. That is not true. To keep the love alive, you need to be in touch with your partner and you need to know him/her intimately.

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How to Minimize Your Taxes and Maximize Your Gift


How to Minimize Your Taxes and Maximize Your Gift

Consider these options for your charitable giving

1. Cash. This is a simple and common way to make a gift. Donations of cash are deductible if you itemize in the year of contribution.

2. Bequests. Leave us a percentage of your estate. Or, make a bequest of money or a particular  piece of property to our organization.

3. Securities. Give stocks that have increased greatly in value, particularly those producing a low yield. If you have owned them longer than one year, you will pay no capital gains tax on the transaction, and you can deduct the full fair market value.

4. Bank accounts and CDs. Name us as the “payable-on-death beneficiary” of your bank accounts or on certificates of deposit. You own the assets for your lifetime and have them available for your use. Upon your death, the assets pass directly to us without going through probate.

5. Retirement plan assets. Your most efficient estate planning option may be leaving all or a portion of your retirement plan to charity, because tax laws often subject these assets to income and taxes upon death. Many techniques can be used to avoid income taxes up to 35 percent. At the same time, you can pass more tax-favored assets to your family.

6. Charitable gift annuity. This is a simple contract between you and us that pays you a fixed dollar amount for your lifetime. The older you are, the higher your annuity rate. If you use appreciated property to fund the gift annuity, you will escape the capital gains tax on the gift portion of the transaction. Plus, you are able to spread the remaining capital gains tax over your lifetime. You also receive a partial income tax deduction.

7. Charitable remainder trust. A charitable remainder trust pays a fixed or variable income to the donor. The payments are made either for life or a period of time not to exceed 20 years. At the end of the trust’s term, the balance in the trust supports our mission. You’ll also receive a partial income tax deduction.

8. Charitable lead trust. This type of charitable trust pays income to one or more charitable organizations, typically for a period of years, after which the remaining trust assets pass to family members.

9. Real estate. This is a simple donation if you own property that is not mortgaged, has appreciated in value, and you no longer need or use. You can deduct the fair market value of your gift and avoid all capital gains taxes. Plus, you have removed that asset from your taxable estate.

10. Retained life estate. You can transfer the deed of your personal residence or farm to us now and keep the right to live in and use the property for your lifetime. You will receive a current charitable deduction in an amount that is based on your life expectancy and the value of the property.

11. Bargain sale. In this scenario, you agree to sell property to a charity at less than its fair market value. The difference between the sale price and the fair market value is your charitable deduction. The net result is often more favorable than selling the property at fair market value and making a charitable contribution from the capital gain.

12. Life insurance. Rather than cancel policies you no longer need, you could name us as the beneficiary, or simply donate the policies outright.

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FAMFI  Philippines Officers2010

Inner Beauty

Defining Inner Beauty

by M.A. Dal Cero

Outer beauty has always been, and always will be, of importance to human beings. Our very nature requires us to delight in that which we consider beautiful, though that, in itself, can vary amongst individuals. Outer beauty may be wonderful, but there exists within it one fatal flaw. Simply put, outer beauty fades over time. Inner beauty, on the other hand, can, and often does, last a lifetime.

Inner beauty shines through those who possess it like a radiant beam of sunshine. It cannot be contained, for it is natural and pure. Those with inner beauty exude a multitude of virtuous qualities which light up their countenances and entire beings. Others enjoy being in the presence of such individuals because they feel uplifted and comforted by the very qualities that flow so easily from them. Negative emotions seem to vanish when we are confronted with a person who truly holds inner beauty within his or her grasp. The exterior appearance of the internally beautiful individuals is of little or no consequence. Any aspect which might be considered unappealing quickly disappears in the luminosity of their personalities.

It may be nearly impossible to fully define inner beauty because it consists of several different aspects of an individual’s personality. However, it can be easily seen in those who are blessed with it. For example, inner beauty is in the person who unselfishly gives of themselves for the benefit of others. It is in the mother who loves her children beyond measure and conditions, and who sacrifices all for their betterment. Internal beauty dwells within those who are compassionate, sympathetic, and kind of heart. It is also in the non-judgmental who readily accept others as they are, and who never hesitate to befriend another. It is in the poor man, who, although he has little, manages to give all that he can in order to help his fellow man. Inner beauty exists within those who are happy, positive, and optimistic, and who never fail to brighten the day of someone else. Without a doubt, the list could indeed go on and on.

All in all, inner beauty is a gift to be cherished, both for those who have it, and for those who benefit from it. Far more lasting than outer beauty, it is a rare and precious commodity that all of us can, and should, strive to attain. Outer beauty diminishes over time, much like the flower which, once picked, gradually loses the splendor and magnificence of its colors until it is no more than a shadow of its former self. On the other hand, inner beauty remains, and continues its miraculous cycle through the glorious effects that it has on others.

What Is Inner Beauty?
By greenjr198

Inner beauty is the most important feature in our human being. All of our actions in a day draw from that inner beauty or soul, if you wish. Have you ever wondered what makes you act the way you do or who you are, inside? Are we are just a collection of cells that happened to come together by chance or is there some grand design someone we can’t see or touch that brought us all together? Inner beauty shows itself in many ways perhaps by helping an elderly neighbor with their yard work or volunteering your time to your community.

Love is an expression of inner beauty. Does one give love on a daily basis? Does one feel Loved on a daily basis? Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life and the lives of others. This can only come from a place of inner beauty. Do you feel compassion toward another human being when you see them in pain or suffering? Compassion comes from inner beauty, at times you can feel it tug at your heart, sometimes you can ignore it but deep down it’s always there.

What about outer beauty? Can outer beauty, say a beautiful waterfall, a majestic mountain or the brilliant stars in heaven, be enjoyed without inner beauty? I think not. A person can be attracted by outward beauty only to find on closer examination that it is ugly on the inside. A beautiful looking person can be filled with hatred or with love. But how do we know unless we look on the inside? We often judge people when we first meet them by the way they look. It has always been said; you cannot judge a book by its cover. So look inside when you first meet people and look for that inner beauty, in the long run it is far more important than outward beauty.

What can physical things in life do for the soul? The answer is “nothing”. You need to fill the soul otherwise it starves. Is your inner soul starving? You can satisfy the hunger with acts of kindness and love, there is plenty in this world to fill the soul. Use it every day and I believe you will be full in no time. After 9/11 I felt love and compassion for all of my fellow Americans, I remember sitting at a toll booth waiting for the person in front of me, fumbling to find the correct change. Any other time I would have been a bit angry at the wait but this time I would have waited all day without anger. I believe it was because we were all one during that time, one country, one people. Why can’t it be like that every day as we work, play and live?

I don’t have all the answers nor do I proclaim to be fault free but I do know the feelings of my own heart. I am sure that each one of us has thought some of these very things at some point in our lives. I don’t want to be on my death bed saying, “I did it all wrong”; there are no do overs. Your inner beauty can flourish and grow, no one can quell it and no one can take it away.

I don’t know about you but I am going to look for the inner beauty in all that I meet.

Copyright 2009 Bob Green

How to Appreciate Inner Beauty

By Amanda Ford, eHow Contributor

Instructions:

  • Define it. While physical beauty is often defined by characteristics such as symmetrical features, smooth complexion and correct body proportions, inner beauty is harder to pinpoint. What is inner beauty to you? Is it the ability to listen without interruption, a willingness to jump to action when help is needed, a desire to relate to others without judgment or a knack for evoking laughter at just the right moment.
  • Groom your own inner beauty. You style your hair, file your nails and exercise your derriere to make yourself more beautiful on the outside. Inner beauty requires similar types of care and cultivation. Vow to groom your spirit daily by exhibiting your compassion, awareness, enthusiasm, optimism, grace, charm, intelligence and creativity. And remember, if you don’t honor your own inner beauty, it will be hard for you to honor the inner beauty of those around you.
  • Recall your grandmother’s clichés. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” “Beauty is as beauty does.” “Clothes don’t make the man.” “All that glitters is not gold.” “Never judge a book by its cover.” There’s a reason these adages have been around for eons: They’re right on about appearances being misleading and true beauty being about more than looks. Perhaps you can even invent your own inner beauty cliché.
  • Let the eyes do the talking. You can tell a lot about people by looking in their eyes. Are they sparkling and alive or seedy and vapid?
  • Feel it out. Inner beauty is less about what you see when you look at a person and more about how you feel when you are around a person. You will feel safe, calm, inspired and connected when in the presence of a beautiful spirit.
  • Avoid superficial smack talk. Eliminate statements like: “What’s wrong with that lady’s hair?” and “Look at that horrible outfit!” from your vocabulary. This type of conversation only reinforces shallow appearance obsessions.
  • When you see it, say it. Don’t be shy about complimenting the inner beauty of your friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances and even strangers. Drawing attention to the inner beauty of others will encourage them to cultivate their inner beauty even further.
  • Surround yourself with people who make appreciating inner beauty a top priority. Attitudes, values and perspectives are just as contagious as the flu, so if you want more inner beauty in your life, you need to spend time with people who share your healthy ideals.

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Is Love Enough? Your Top 5 Relationship Questions Answered

Is Love Enough? Your Top 5 Relationship Questions Answered

By Emily Battaglia, LifeScript Staff Writer – Published July 10, 2006

In your quest to find “the one,” you’ve probably encountered every piece of advice in the book, most of which may see contradictory and confusing. So you probably still have questions. Is it really OK to kiss on a first date? Should you really never go to bed angry after an argument with your spouse? See, you’re already thinking about your answers. For more answers to all of your burning relationship questions, we’ve sorted out myth from fact when it comes to finding the right one and living happily ever after. Plus: Are you over your ex?

How did you learn about what it means to be in a relationship? Was it mostly by watching your parents interact or hearing instant replays of all your friends’ romances? Or perhaps most of what you know about relationships has come from your own trial by error experiences.

No matter what your relationship status, what you think you know about relationships might be causing you some frustration and disappointment in your love life or your pursuit of one. You may be finding that what you thought to be true sounded good in theory but didn’t play out well in real life.

Or maybe you just have some burning relationship questions that haven’t yet been answered. Learning about relationships is a never-ending process, but these answers to some common relationship questions might just guide you down a smoother relationship road.

#1 – Do you have to share common interests to be compatible?

No. Even if you’re a tennis fanatic and your significant other can’t even stand a game of ping pong, your relationship’s not in danger, nor would it be perfect if your date was just as much of a tennis fan as you. True, it’s a great bonding opportunity when both of you can share an experience you both are passionate about together.

But it’s also healthy for both partners to be able to have separate interests that they both feel comfortable enough to pursue on their own. If you try to force your significant other into doing something he simply doesn’t want to do, a lot of tension and conflict can occur. Let your partner have his or her own interests and appreciate that they’re passionate about other things.

#2 – Is there really only one person out there for you?

Imagine if, in this large sea of love, there was only one right fish for you. With billions of people living in the world, it’s no small feat in trying to find the one person you are “meant to be with.” While the idea of meeting your soul mate in some impossibly random circumstance may sound impossibly romantic, the reality is that there are tons of “right” people out there for you who are compatible and complementary, and who can be your soul mate. Now doesn’t that take some weight off your shoulders (and off your checkbook from all that traveling you thought you had to do)?

#3 – Does a good relationship take a lot of work?

The only acceptable answer to this common relationship question is yes! A relationship is a living, breathing entity, so in order for it to survive, it only makes sense that you have to nurture it. No matter how healthy and happy your relationship may be, you have to work at it in order for it to go the distance.

It’s the same concept as achieving success at weight loss or moving up in your career. The realities of life will always pose challenges to every relationship, but as long as both partners enter it knowing that there is work to be done, the relationship is more likely to prosper.

#4 – Can you only find true happiness when you’re in love?

While your state of happiness may seem infinitely amplified when you’re in a relationship, being in a relationship is not the final deciding factor on whether you’ll be truly happy in life. In fact, if you can’t find happiness on your own, you might never find it in a relationship. Nobody is responsible for your happiness but yourself; others can only add to it (or take away from it).

Learn to find happiness on your own first. Build your self-confidence by doing what you love and reaching out to others, and you’ll be even luckier to discover a different kind of happiness once you find the right person.

#5 – Is love enough?

Unfortunately, Paul McCartney and the gang weren’t being totally truthful when they sang the song, “All you need is love.” Being in love is a beautiful state to be in, but being in love isn’t all you need to make your relationship last, especially since infatuation is sometimes mistaken for being in love.

As you now know, you have to work at a relationship to make it good. But more importantly, choosing someone to commit to for the rest of your life isn’t simply a “decision of the heart.” It’s a meeting of the heart and the brain. Your values, goals in life and perspective of commitment all must be in sync, too. Remember that love is not enough to sustain a relationship, so really evaluate the other important factors before committing.

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Anne Geddes25

Letting Go Of Your Past – How to Deal With Your Mistakes and Move On

Letting Go Of  Your Past

How to Deal With Your Mistakes and Move On

Feb 3, 2007 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Letting go of your past can include coping with death, divorce, or a breakup. These suggestions for letting go will help you say good-bye and move on.

Letting go of your past – whether that means quitting an addictive relationship or grieving a death – can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Even if it was an unhealthy relationship, you may still struggle to let go.

It’s not easy, but there are practical ways to let go of your past and move on. Before you delve into letting go and saying good-bye to your past, however, you may need to face your memories and experiences.

Six Steps to Letting Go of Your Past:

  1. Write, talk, draw, paint, or otherwise tap into your thoughts and memories. Letting go of your past means honoring your memories.
  2. Let go of the emotions and feelings of painful memories by letting them wash over you – you’ll feel horrible during, but relieved and peaceful after wards. Let go of your past by reliving it.
  3. Go back and talk to the people involved, if possible. Letting go of your past can mean going back.
  4. Share your real feelings; confess if it’s appropriate. Letting go of your past means expressing your emotions. If you have to deal with your mistakes, then own up to your shame or guilt.
  5. Apologize and ask forgiveness if you need to. Letting go of your past means being vulnerable.
  6. Get help with uncontrollable urges to overeat, get stoned or drunk, or otherwise hurt yourself. Letting go of your past means burying your pride.

Letting go of a loved one – whether it’s a divorced spouse, estranged sibling, or euthanized pet – is difficult to do.

Ways to Let Go of Your Past

  • Accept that there’s nothing you can do to change the past.You did the best you could. When you’re facing your failures, know that you were as good, loving, and effective as you could have been. If you were to go back, you couldn’t do anything differently because that’s who you were and that’s what you knew then. It’s done. Let go of your past.
  • Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Ruminating on what you could have or should have done is ineffective and unhealthy. If you’re dealing with your mistakes or facing your failures, try to forgive yourself.
  • Be aware of your thoughts. When you find yourself dwelling or obsessing over the past or the person you lost, gently draw your thoughts back to the present. Let go of your obsession, whether it’s an addictive relationship or lost child.
  • Trust the nature of time. You will heal and move on. Your wound will slowly close up and soon only a faint scar will remain – if you let go of your past.
  • Make new connections with people. You don’t necessarily have to make a whole new set of friends; you can initiate a new type of friendship with a colleague or invite a neighbor over for coffee. If you talk about facing your failures, you’ll be better able to actually face your failures.
  • Seek balance in your conversations. It’s important to vent and share your pain and sadness, and it’s equally important to show your interest in other people’s lives. Letting go of your past means letting go of yourself.
  • Explore a new world. Take a new course at the community college or start a new hobby. To let go of the past, start looking in new directions!
  • Volunteer your time. There are hundreds of interesting opportunities that will help you say good-bye to the past. Visit a volunteer website or centre in your city. Move out of your comfort zone: if you’re a mom and wife, try building a Habitat for Humanity home or spending time with seniors.

When you’re letting go of an ex-partner, you should seriously consider whether it’s wise to spend time together — or if you should let go altogether. Maybe you’re still in love, or were abused, and have confused thoughts and feelings. Taking a break may be the wisest course of action — and so might be totally letting go.

Letting Go: The 18 Steps

Christina’s is a typical story: “I’ve been dating Chuck for two years, and I really love him. A month ago he broke up with me, saying that he wanted to date other women, but I can’t seem to move on. I can’t picture myself with anyone else. He says he loves me, but that he’ll never treat me the way I deserve. He keeps encouraging me to go out with other guys. What does all this mean? How can I get him back? He wants to be friends, but I only want to see him if I can get him back. How can I stop thinking about him all the time and get my life back.

As the old song goes, breaking up is hard to do. But it’s time for Christina to let go. It’s the crucial step in moving on to a healthy life. The following list gives you some tips and exercises that can help with the process:

Step 1. Practice thought-stopping.

It’s normal to have recurring thoughts about your ex. One way to wean yourself is to decide on a specific time of day where you will give yourself over to the thoughts (such as nine o’clock at night, for 10 minutes). If you find yourself obsessing at other times, force yourself to “change the channel” in your brain, or pick yourself up and do something constructive — take a walk, water the plants, clean out a closet. Try this exercise: Think about your ex. Now think about being in love with someone else. Now think about your ex. Now think about getting a raise at work. Now think about laughing with a new friend. Now think about a pink elephant. See how you can control your thoughts?

Step 2. Recognize the quality that you miss in your ex and find a substitute for it.

Focus on the qualities you liked in your ex. Was he funny? Great in bed? A good listener? Realize that these aren’t such unusual traits– they do come along in other people, and you will encounter them more than once in a lifetime. Enjoy those qualities in other people or find other ways to enjoy them. Go to funny movies, or take up a sport yourself.

Step 3. Instead of bemoaning the end, celebrate it.

In this technique, called “paradoxical intention,” you wish the very opposite of what you think you prefer. Put on some music, uncork the champagne, jump up and down, and yell “Good riddance to bad rubbish!” Then honor your time alone.

Step 4. Be your own cheerleader.

Remind yourself of all the good things about your. Make a list of those qualities and reread the list.

Step 5. Call all your friends and have them reinflate your ego.

Get your pals on the phone and ask them to remind you of all your wonderful traits. Let them take your side. When Georgette was dumped, she called her best friend, who reminded her, “You are beautiful and smart and funny and fun to be with.”

Step 6. Understand the situation realistically.

Dee was devastated when her boyfriend decided not to leave his wife for her. He said he loved her, but was worried about his kids, his business, and his wife. If she had looked at the situation realistically from the beginning, she may not have been as devastated. While she shouldn’t punish herself, she should have been prepared for the possibility.

Step 7. Be realistic about dating in general.

While I certainly feel that you should pump yourself up, don’t expect that everybody will love you.

Step 8. Accept your responsibility, not as a way of blaming yourself, but to learn.

Go over all the sides of the story. Was he mean, cruel, insensitive? Blame him, and then face up to the fact that you pick men like that. For example, Francine realized she wanted Paul to be what he wasn’t. She had overrated him and expected more from him than he was able to give, overlooking an obvious problem — he had said he wasn’t looking for a commitment.

Step 9. Reaffirm that you deserve to be treated well.

Remember how you would treat a child or best friend — you would be loving, protective, and reassuring. Treat yourself that way.

Step 10. Do a “relationship review.”

Recognize the patterns in your past relationships to prevent the same problems in the future. What type of person do you go for? What happened at every stage — who started the relationship, who made the decisions, what was the tone of the relationship (fun, sharing feelings, fighting), what did you do together (music, art, ideas, books, movies), who ended it? If you see a pattern that displeases you — you’re always the caregiver, you try to “buy” love, you’re frequently attracted to people who are already involved — make it a point to make changes.

Step 11. Indulge in pleasure.

Make a list of things that make you feel good: getting a massage, listening to music, taking a walk. Indulge in these pleasures at least one a day.

Step 12. Keep a sense of humor.

Research has shown that laughter strengthens the immune system. On this basis, seeing the lighter side of your situation is a positive step in your healing process. Imagine your ex in a silly situation, or go see a funny movie.

Step 13. Feel empowered.

Consider that you chose for the relationship to be over. Even if you think he dumped you, consider that your energy helped create the outcome. Decide “I wanted it over.” This is no more real or unreal than any other explanation.

Step 14. Do deeper work.

Help the little child inside who is still hurting from past losses. Imagine yourself as this little child, and also imagine yourself as an adult protecting this child from being hurt, holding and comforting her.

Step 15. Purge your anger.

Write your ex a letter, pouring out your hurt, disappointment, and anger — but don’t send it. That’s a good way to purge your feelings.

Step 16. Rebuild trust.

Erica’s dilemma is common enough: “My first love stabbed me in the back after I put my complete trust in him. Now I am wary of people and always protecting myself.” Resist generalizing; not all men or women are alike. See each person as an individual. In your imagination, line up all those who have hurt you in the past and imagine throwing them in the garbage or picture them incinerating. Now you have a clean slate. Of course, trust gets shattered after you’re hurt, but try to pout the past aside. If you live in fear, imagining that people are not trustworthy, this is the reality that you will create. Accept the challenge of tuning your love antennae to people who are more trustworthy, and who are worthy of your trust.

Step 17. Welcome your dreams.

As Brenda asked, “It’s been seven months since my relationship ended, and I have constant dreams about the situation. What can I do to stop them?” Instead of seeing your dreams as obsessions, believe that your mind is trying to work through the pain on a deeper level.

Step 18. Repair your self-esteem.

Amanda’s cry is typical: “My boyfriend left after two years. What’s wrong with me?” Nothing . Not everyone can appreciate your value, but you need to continue to do so.

Excuses: Holding On When You Know You Should Let Go

Even when trouble is obvious, it can be tough to let go. People have being giving lots of excuses who are unable or unwilling to leave a relationship.

“We’ve been together a long time.” Jennifer: “My boyfriend’s cheating, and now he says he doesn’t want to be with me as much as before, but I don’t want to break up. We’ve been together for five years.” It’s natural to get attached to people in our lives, but consider “reframing” the way you view the situation. Instead of regretting all of those “lost years” if you gave the relationship up, think of how many more years you’d be investing in being miserable if you stayed, consider that you’ve learned valuable lessons, and need to move on for a better future.

  • “He was my first.” As Pam told me, “It’s not working out with this guy I’m seeing, but I’m having a hard time letting go because he was my first.” You’ll probably always feel a special attachment to your “first,” but you can’t sacrifice happiness for sentimentality.
  • “But I still love him.” Keisha explained, “I know I should stop going out with him — he cheats and treats me bad — but I still love him.” Love yourself more, and treat yourself to someone who treats you well. You can always love the person, but that doesn’t mean you have to be together.
  • “I gave her everything.” I recently talked to a guy who told me: “I really liked this girl and bought her lots of things. In fact, I just bought her a $50 sweater, and the next day she broke up with me! What can I do to get her back?” Save your money and your self-esteem and let an ungrateful and unwilling mate go. If someone clearly doesn’t want you, regardless of your gifts, you’re trying to buy love, a sign that you may be low on self-esteem. The result is disappointing anyway, as the other person usually ends up loving you less. Sometimes we need a kick in the pants to get out of a really bad relationship.
  • Laura : My boyfriend drinks too much and has been unfaithful. When I tell him I want to leave him, he says he’ll never let me go. He tells me that the problem is that I’m unhappy with my life, and I’m blaming him. Is it my problem?”

What is your problem, is that you are putting up with this man’s psychological abuse and manipulation. His drinking, cheating, blaming, and threatening are sure signs that he is the one who is desperate, disturbed, and in need of help. Don’t allow his threats to intimidate and paralyze you. Life is too precious to waste, so don’t spend another minute being miserable and treated poorly. Be firm about your complaints, expectations, and intentions. Take action — get legal counsel or an order of protection if you think you need it. insist that he get counseling, and get support for yourself (from friends, a therapist, or a 12-step program for people in relationships with alcoholics) to shore up your self-esteem. Then bless the guy and send him on his way.

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Long Term Relationship Advices

Long Term Relationship Advice

Long term relationship advice to live by! Once you get into a relationship, will you know how to keep it alive and vital over time? If you are in a relationship, do you know how to make sure the spark never goes out for the two of you? Here are five tips for refreshing your relationship to ensure it stands the tests of time. Enjoy!

Every person want to maintain there good relationship.  When you get into a relationship, but how to maintain it alive and very important over time. Relationship only maintain in our personal life but in our profession life. This is a big question for very person that how to maintain a good relation ship.

Relationship have a more demand in market like many business owners, many salespeople, understand the value of relationship building in securing customer faithfulness and reliable long term relationship.

How to Maintain a Long Term Relationship?

  • Relationship is an important for each person or you are seeking a good relationship with someone who take care about you and understand you.
  • In relationship every stage is important because it permit you to learn more about your partner and verify your feelings towards a relationship with them.
  • Forgive and Forget: In your relation ship if any things go wrong then learn to forgive your partner. Please never show that you are right and also do not blame on your partner. Try to forget the fault, truly forget. Try look forward to a caring tomorrow.
  • Think Long-Term: Every thing is important in your life such as your family member, your partner, children and your friends. But how to maintain the long term relationship without hurting any body. If you think that you have to maintain long term relationship with anybody then engage yourself with them. Understand him or her and try to involved with them.
  • Trust: Keeping a long term relationship is an important for you but in your relation ship trust is play an important role. Without the trust nobody build a strong and good relationship.
  • Conflict resolution:Whenever you make any kind of mistake it is difficult for you to say sorry. An argument is create a distant between you and your partner. Try resolve your conflict and it is important to find a resolution quickly.
  • Communication: Communication is an important key in any filed. Good communication resolve your conflict matter, others are understand you. Your good communication will show that what you think about partner.
  • Mutual support: Every person need a mutual support. For mutual support you have to share every think with that partner. Try to show that you believed on him or her.
  • Listen and Understand: Try understand your partner and listen your partner and resolve your conflict matter because effective communication needs willingness on both sides to understand one another.

How to Rekindle Romance in a Long-Term Relationship

It’s never too late to put romance back in your relationship

By Sharon O’Brien, About.com Guide

Don’t Take Your Long-Term Relationship for Granted


“The mistake most couples or one person makes is they’re so much in love with their partner that they assume the relationship will last forever,” says Robert Billingham, an associate professor in Indiana University Bloomington’s Department of Applied Health Science. “They don’t think it is something they have to work on.”

From a biological standpoint, human beings are not built for long-term romance, according to Billingham, whose research interests include interpersonal relationships, parent/child interactions and the long-term effect of divorce on children.

Biologically, the body chemistry that makes our hearts flutter during a new relationship is replaced after several years with body chemistry geared more toward attachment, he says.

Couples, therefore, need to work at keeping romance alive in long-term relationships.

Make Time for Romance…It’s Good for Your Health


Billingham says research indicates that people who divorce experience poorer health and a diminished quality of life, so longevity and overall happiness are additional reasons for keeping romance alive with the right partner.

Finding time for romance is crucial to a marriage or committed long-term relationship, and it shouldn’t be limited to anniversaries, Valentine’s Day or other special occasions.

5 Tips for Rekindling Romance in Your Long-Term Relationship

Billingham offers the following tips for couples who want to rekindle the romance and improve a long-term relationship.

1. Date Your Spouse or Partner

Find ways to spend time together and enjoy each other.

“Individuals change. The relationship changes,” Billingham says. “This core behavior (regular dating, emphasizing the relationship) says, ‘No matter what happens, we find time for ourselves, find time to celebrate the relationship.’”

2. Make Sure Your Children See Your Love for Each Other

Parents spend 18 to 20 years preparing their children to leave home, and parenting requires sacrifices to properly care for children. But investments in a long-term relationship as a couple can benefit parents and kids alike, and make the “empty nest” seem not quite so empty after the children leave home.

“If the kids don’t see an emphasis on the relationship, what we model is that the marriage isn’t as important as work, sports or other activities, Billingham says. “When they do see the emphasis, what we’re modeling is that the marriage, the committed relationship is important.

“[Emphasizing the long-term relationship] is crucial because we need to teach our children that our relationships are more important than things like work, movies and sports. We do a very poor job of this in our society.”

3 .Start Today

It’s never too late to rekindle love and romance in a stale long-term relationship, Billingham says. Start from where you are, and begin doing things together that emphasize and celebrate your relationship as a couple.

4. Should You Quit or Recommit?

Obviously, rekindling romance is much more difficult if one of the partners has fallen in love with someone else and is experiencing a new surge of attraction hormones that is pulling them away from their core relationship.

It really comes down to conscious choice and commitment. If both people in the relationship can honestly say “I want to get this back on track,” then there’s hope.

5. Sex and Romance

Sex and romance can make life and your long-term relationship as a couple more pleasant and rewarding. Couples who are healthy, and who can sustain an active sex life, tend to live longer and be happier, Billingham says.

Five Ways to Refresh Your Relationship – Tips and Techniques to Ensure a Lasting Love!
By Rinatta Paries

A relationship is like a delicate rose bush. If you care for it, it will bloom year after year with unsurpassed beauty. If you don’t, you might end up with a dull, lifeless entity that is struggling to survive.

Below are five ideas to keep your relationship in bloom for years to come.

If you are single, read these tips with an eye on what you will want to do in a long-term relationship. If you are in a relationship, pick one or two of the five ideas and integrate
them into your relationship now. You will be amazed at how many nice feelings you can create quickly by taking a few simple steps.

1. Make time for your relationship week after week.
Take time for each other every single week. For most couples, it is a good idea to have a standing date night. Communicate to your friends, kids, everyone, that this night is reserved especially for the two of you. Keep the date every week, no matter what. Make it your priority.

2. Do fun, pleasurable things together.
Sharing fun and pleasure fosters intimacy. Intimacy is what relationships are all about. Share good meals, share play time, share jokes and funny movies, share outdoor activities. What matters most is that the activity is fun and pleasurable for each of you.

3. Do long-term activities as a couple.
Do something long-term together. Learn about investments, take dance lessons, refinish the furniture, reach your fitness goals. Do some long-term activity that will enrich and interest each of you, together. By doing this you will stay connected to each other and foster common ground in the relationship. Make sure that this is above and beyond child rearing.

4. Resolve conflict quickly.
It is hard to say you are sorry in the heat of an argument. In some ways it is easier to have a fight and go into your separate corners. But unresolved conflict, or conflict that lingers, fosters long-term hurt and resentment. It’s ok to disagree. But it’s important to find a resolution quickly.

5. Keep the romance alive.
In a long-term relationship, romance is not something that happens automatically most of the time. Everyday pressures and time constraints have a tendency to rob us of spontaneity.

Romance needs to be consciously created. Remember that romance will keep your relationship fresh and exciting and will keep the two of you close. Take turns creating romance intentionally.

Keeping Desire Alive in a Long Term Relationship

Desire is something that couples look up to to keep a relationship alive. Desire for each other seems to be at its high point early in every relationship. But then there is the risk that may come after that. For all love’s worth, desire may be something that has to be worked at in order to keep up and maintain, especially in a long term relationship.

Desire remains an important ingredient in a successful relationship. Without it, couples can find themselves in a very difficult situation in keeping the fires of love burn brightly. Keeping up the desire for each other is something that both partners have to work at in order to keep the relationship go strong in its second, fifteenth or even its fiftieth year. Here are some tips that might help couples keep that desire alive.

Change Your Patterns

One way of quickly killing desire is having a predictable relationship. It can be easy for couples, after being together for a certain number of years, to know how the other acts or thinks. And when couples become predictable, they lose that sense of adventure and that tinge of surprise. Eventually, the relationship becomes boring and the desire can easily die.

One way to prevent this from happening is by injecting into the relationship some element of surprise. Couples should try to break patterns once in awhile. Getting out of the routine can bring back some excitement and some sense of adventure back into the relationship. By simply doing that, the desire will still be kept up.

Work Together

Many couples already know and understand that maintaining a long term relationship take work. This holds true for maintaining desire in the relationship. There are some relationships that stay strong because of strong compatibility and there are ones that can easily become troubled because of poor compatibility couples. But it is not reason enough why a relationship can’t last.

What couples should do is to continue and try to work together to make the relationship last and maintain the desire for each other. The effort will help foster a better understanding between a couple’s differences and how to work over them.

Stay Focused

It can be easy for one partner to worry once a lack of desire in the relationship is felt. But such instances should not be a cause for panic for a couple. It is a situation that most relationship goes through from time to time.

The important thing is that both partners should stay focused in trying to keep each other happy and look after each one’s welfare in the relationship. That can help keep the desire for each other strong even after several years of being together.

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To Have a Healthy Relationship

5 Ways to Have a Healthy Relationship

1. Be Specific About Your Needs

Clarity and communication skills are vital to a healthy relationship. You need to be able to identify what you need to be happy and to express those needs to your partner. Focus in on details. If you need some time to yourself, tell you partner how much. If you require more intimacy in the bedroom, explain how your partner might accomplish that. Many people assume that their partners are mind readers and can’t understand why their needs go unmet. It helps simply to tell your partner what you need, respectfully and compassionately, but with a devotion to the honest articulation of your desires.

2. Be Flexible and Learn to Accommodate Each Other

You and your partner will always have certain things that make you different from each other. Learn to accept and celebrate those parts of you that are distinct from each other. Give each other time to explore your personal passions and grow as individuals even as you grow as a couple. Ask about those passions and invite your partner to share them without becoming intrusive or nosy. Let him know that you accept those differences and don’t try to change them to fit your conception of who he should be. Accommodate your partner’s differences without pettiness or jealousy and expect him to reciprocate in kind.

3. Resolve Disputes Cleanly

No one is right 100 percent of the time, and disputes are an ordinary part of even the most harmonious relationships. When they arise, learn to talk them out calmly and honestly. Be firm in your convictions, but respect your partner’s point of view and allow her to express it clearly. Conversely, you have a right to express your feelings as well, and your partner should respect it. Endeavor to keep your tone even and calm, and do not escalate matters with excessive emotion. Most importantly, learn to discuss the matter until a mutually agreeable resolution has been reached, one which both parties can accept and live with. If you ignore lingering disputes or don’t allow them to get resolved cleanly, then they will fester and can lead to further mistrust and a breakdown in communication.

4. Make Time for Intimacy

We all lead busy lives, but for a healthy relationship to work, couples should set time aside for each other. Intimacy means exploring your physical side and the warmth and connection which that brings, but also talking about hopes and fears, listening to your partner and even just talking about how your day went. The more honest you can be, the safer you will feel with each other, and the deeper your bonds will grow.

5. Forgive Each Other

Everyone makes mistakes, and each half of the couple needs to take responsibility for his. But when doing so, learn to forgive your partner for those mistakes and not to judge harshly or hold a grudge. Similarly, you should expect to be forgiven for your mistakes when they arise and not to have past deeds held over you after you have taken steps to resolve them. This should always be accompanied by a mature acceptance of one’s wrongdoing and earnest attempts to set them right. Forgiving someone is not the same as excusing someone. But excessive judgment can lead to bitterness, which undermines the trust and compassion upon which all relationships thrive.

5 Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Relationship

By Hannah Geller

1. BODY INSECURITIES

You know you have this problem if…

You cringe and cover up when your partner sees you naked.
Compliments make you nervous and defensive.
Thinking about his positive attributes makes you wonder what he’s doing with you.

Why is it a problem?

When we are ashamed of our bodies, we “withdraw sexually” and have trouble “being playful and free,” says relationship expert Dr. Alice Pisciotto. Many people resort to substances to deal with their insecurities (for example, drinking in order to have sex), which can ruin a sense of closeness.

How to fix it:

The first step is awareness: realizing, for example, that when he says, “you look beautiful in that dress” and you hear, “go to the gym,” it’s not because he’s being sarcastic, but because you feel ashamed of your body. The second step is to learn to talk about it in an open, honest way. Explain your insecurities to him, why you think you have them, and how they make you feel. Then, pledge to yourself to throw the symptoms of insecurity out the window. Once you stop calling yourself fat, for example, you may stop feeling so fat.

2. BAD TIMING

You know you have this problem if…

You bring up sore points — issues you argue about often or recently — at romantic dinners, family functions, or company events. Or, worse yet, you bombard him with accusations the second you’re alone.

Why is it a problem?

“This really drives guys crazy,” says Pisciotto. Everyone knows that communication is important to a good relationship, but knowing when and where to communicate can be just as important. Bringing up a problem at an inappropriate time or place will almost never solve it, and will become a problem in its own right. And he’ll be reluctant to bring you along to his cousin’s wedding if he’s worried you’ll be shooting him dirty looks all night.

How to fix it:

If you want to talk about a problem, give some forewarning, says Pisciotto. “X is really bothering me. Can we talk about it tonight?” Have a safe, private place where you can talk without feeling uncomfortable. And if you really want to resolve the issues, make sure you are talking in person and never by text message or e-mail.

3. SNAPPING

You know you have this problem if…

Your partner complains you’re always blowing up at him — whether he forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning or threw out the manuscript for the novel you’ve secretly been working on.

Why is it a problem?

You may be using these explosions as a substitute for intimacy, says Pisciotto. “If you say, ‘I love you,’ who knows how he’s going to react?” You may get a grunt, you may get a kiss, you may get some bad news. “But if you scream at him, you know he’s going to scream back.” Excessive anger may be a sign that you’re insecure about his feelings for you. Snapping at him allows you to control his behavior because his response — anger — is predictable. But if he feels like he’s always about to step on a land mine, you may be doing the very opposite: driving him away.

How to fix it:

“This is really an issue of self-awareness,” says Pisciotto. The next time you feel mad at him, ask yourself if your anger is proportionate to the offense. If not, think about why you feel so furious: Are you mad about something else that you haven’t talked about sufficiently? Does his anger reassure you of his feelings (i.e., “if he’s screaming at the top of his lungs, he must be passionate about me”)? Are you insecure about his feelings because of something he has done, or because of something unrelated that happened to you in the past? Instead of blowing up at him, try to calmly and insightfully tell him why you are feeling so enraged. Use “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences: “I felt angry when you didn’t call, because it made me feel like you don’t care about me,” rather than, “You didn’t call me! You don’t care about me!”

4. KEEPING SCORE

You know you have this problem if…

You’re keeping a tally of the gives and the takes.
You say things like, “Yes, we hung out with my friends tonight but I hung out with his friends for the last five days.”

Why is it a problem?

“Keeping score is usually a sign you don’t feel understood, that you don’t feel heard,” explains Pisciotto. You feel that your partner doesn’t realize or appreciate the contributions and sacrifices you make for the relationship. “This becomes the ‘yes, but’ of the relationship,” says Dr. Pisciotto. “Yes, you took me out to dinner tonight, but I paid the last six nights. Yes, you initiated sex tonight, but I always initiate. Yes, you care about me, but I care about you more.”

How to fix it:

When you catch yourself thinking or saying, “Yes, but…” step back and ask yourself why. Is this an isolated incident: Are you really the one who always does the dishes, and you just want him to help out more with household chores? Or is it part of a bigger problem: Do you feel like you always make more sacrifices for the relationship, and the dishes are just one example of many? Keeping score provides you with ammo to win the argument “Who’s the better partner.” It’s childish behavior that you should do your best to minimize. Be hypervigilant when your thoughts slip into the “Yes, but…” pattern. Remind yourself that although you may give more in this particular area — you always pay for dinner out — he may give more in another, like always buying the groceries.

5. LETTING THE PAST DICTATE THE PRESENT

You know you have this problem if…

You blame your current boyfriend for problems you had in your last relationship: Your ex had an affair with his personal trainer, so you tell your new boyfriend you like the “chubby look” to keep him out of the gym.

Why is it a problem?

It’s a basic truth of psychology that “we often repeat problems in order to solve them,” says Pisciotto. For example, when you’re suspicious that your new boyfriend is going to cheat on you, like your ex did, your subconscious is trying to come to terms with the old problem. The effect will hardly be productive: You’re likely to create some new issues with your current boyfriend without solving the issues from your past.

How to fix it:

Take a moment to ask yourself: Are there any issues or arguments you had with a former boyfriend that still bother you? If so, write them down and be on the lookout. The next time you’re angry with your current boyfriend for something similar, ask yourself whether or not he deserves it. If not, Pisciotto recommends telling him about your ex and asking him about his. But be clear that you’re talking about your old flame solely for the purpose of improving your current relationship. Your new guy doesn’t want to hear about how your ex just got a promotion, what a great cook he was, or how amazing he was in bed.

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What Is Relationship Trust?

What Is Relationship Trust?

Overview

Trust in a product builds a committed buyer. When you find that a product follows through with what it advertises, satisfies and never asks for more than it deserves, you trust it and stick with it. Relationship trust works the same way. It is built on faith, consistent satisfaction and confidence in the other person.

Building of Relationship Trust

Relationship trust is the belief that some other, upon whom you depend, will not harm you. It extends from your vulnerability, allowing yourself to be disappointed or hurt in order to test another’s word. If the person follows through (e.g., he calls the next day as promised), your trust intensifies. If not, then your trust is lost or stunted, depending on the circumstance and believability for why it was broken (e.g., no call because of a car accident).

Prerequisite for Relationship Trust

Relationship trust depends on your belief that another person genuinely cares for you. For instance, if someone approaches you about religion, you are more apt to trust and listen to the person if you feel the person is doing so to help you rather than for self-serving purposes. Similarly, you trust your best friends until you find out they only hang with you for your money. In other words, acknowledging a person’s motives as benevolent is the prerequisite for the development of trust.

Trusting Results in More Trust

Relationship trust depends on your willingness to take risks. Unless you allow your partner to leave your side and prove her faithfulness to you, relationship trust will not have an opportunity to grow. However, as proof of commitment and solidarity increases, relationship trust increases as well.

Paranoia Dissolves Relationship Trust

Your beliefs about your partner’s misdoings can affect the trust in your relationship. For example, as you read through your partner’s e-mails, text messages and files, you send the signal that you do not trust your partner. Although your partner should not be vague about what he is doing and where he is, you have to trust that your partner is respecting your wishes. Worry ruins trust whether or not it is valid. If you feel concerned, then speak to your partner about the issue up front before problems escalate.

How to Maintain Relationship Trust

Once relationship trust is established, its existence relies on consistent validation, evidence that trust is reciprocal, cooperation and satisfaction. Like with trust in a product, you stop trusting in your relationship when it no longer makes you happy. That is, you do not trust the partner who is not meeting your needs. You may stay with her because you have no other option, but the relationship trust is lost. To bring it back or to maintain what is left, you and your partner must keep any promises made to each other, take personal responsibility when things go wrong and show that you still trust each other, more so each day.

The Importance of Trust in a Relationship

Overview

Trust is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. Without it, a relationship doesn’t have much chance of surviving or improving. Defining, building, maintaining and even rebuilding trust is a challenging process. However, if you and your partner are committed to having a healthy relationship, you will enjoy the benefits of your hard work.

Defining Trust

Trust can mean different things for different people. Discuss your definition of trust with your partner and give examples of situations or actions you define as trustworthy. You should be willing to do the same. Defining trust provides a basis for your relationship so that both parties are clear on the boundaries around trust.

Building & Maintaining Trust

Once you understand what trust is, you have to integrate it into every aspect of your relationship. For instance, integrating trust into your communication with your partner. Trusting your partner in communication means that you can always communicate openly and honestly with him and he won’t judge you–and vice versa. Learning to trust yourself individually first supports your efforts of understanding and trusting your partner long term.

Rebuilding Trust

In the unfortunate situation where trust has been broken, there is a lot of pain and healing that must take place. Going back to basics and discussing the definitions of trust you created can help you to determine where things went wrong and whether both parties are willing to try and save the relationship. Rebuilding trust is a long, hard journey. The person who betrays his partner’s trust must understand that it can take a long time to be forgiven and that his partner may not be able to forgive him.

Seeking Help

Working with a therapist or a couples counselor can be effective in defining or rebuilding trust. Find someone who will be objective and not take sides.

Being Flexible

Remember that relationships are living, breathing things. Situations and feelings can change, and no one is perfect. Continuing to communicate can eliminate misunderstandings or misperceptions and help you to strengthen the trust you have.

Things You Can Do to Build Trust in a Relationship

Trust proves difficult for many people. When you trust another person with intimate parts of yourself, it leaves you vulnerable to hurt and heartbreak. Still, trust remains one of the key factors in a healthy relationship, according to Planned Parenthood. If you have difficulty trusting, or if your partner has previously lied or been unfaithful, you may wonder how you can ever trust again. Trust is built through both day-to-day actions and a leap of faith. Once you’ve done the work and made that leap, you can enjoy the closeness and intimacy possible in a trusting relationship.

Be Honest

“People build trust by being honest,” says Planned Parenthood in their article “Is Your Relationship Good For You?” When two people are honest with each other, it becomes easier to talk about tough subjects. Lies degrade this bond and erode trust you’ve already formed. Lies also make it more difficult for your partner to believe things you say in the future. Honestly includes both telling the truth and admitting when you’ve made a mistake. In healthy relationships, honesty proves a key component, and it becomes a crucial element in a trusting relationship.

Give Trust

Trust is a two way street. You have to give trust if you want to build trust in a relationship. This means taking a leap, even if you feel uncomfortable with trusting your partner. It becomes especially hard to make this leap if your partner has proved unfaithful. Concentrate on times when your partner has kept his word. Avoid constantly second-guessing his motives, words and actions. Accusations don’t foster trust and too many of them may make your partner feel like he can’t do right, no matter how hard he tries. Negotiate a clean start and stick to it. Leave the past in the past.

Be Trustworthy

It’s not enough to trust your partner. You also have to be a trustworthy person. Trustworthy people keep their promises. They call when they say they’ll call. They keep secrets when you ask them to. They’re reliable and keep their word. Practice these qualities as you work to build trust. Trust is gauged by a persons actions more than by his words, says Charles D. Schmitz, Ph.D. and Elizabeth A. Schmitz, Ed.D., authors of “Building Great Marriages” for “Psychology Today.” Avoid gossip, keep a fair and level head when problems arise and give praise and compliments when deserved. If you’re a solid, steadfast presence in your partner’s life, she’ll feel more comfortable trusting you.

How to Resolve Trust Issues in a Relationship

Overview

Trust is crucial to a successful relationship. Without it, you and your partner will not feel free to share yourselves without reservation, and that will keep you from experiencing true intimacy. Once trust has been violated, it is difficult to regain it. However, if you and your partner are committed to each other and to your relationship, you can re-establish your faith in one another. With time, patience and loving effort, you can learn to trust each other again.

Step 1

Decide together that you want to save your relationship. Whatever your issues, resolution will require dedication and sincere effort. Be certain that this is what you both want. You cannot expect to be successful if only one of you is willing to try. Depending on the extent of the damage, you might have to make significant sacrifices, such as going to counseling, fully disclosing past behavior issues or cutting off contact with former friends. If you and your partner aren’t prepared to do whatever it takes to repair your relationship, it is better to be up front about that than to waste each other’s time.

Step 2

Be open and truthful. “Always be honest with your partner; sometimes the truth hurts, but hiding it only makes it worse,” Affirmations-for-success.com advises. Do not make the mistake of telling your partner only what you think he wants to hear. Lies of omission can be just as damaging to a relationship as deliberate betrayals. When you pretend to be something you’re not, you essentially are offering up a false version of yourself. Respect your partner enough to be truthful with him. You’ll have a better chance of resolving your issues if you’re willing to acknowledge them openly.

Step 3

Keep your commitments. This is especially important if there has been a violation of trust in the past. You must make every effort to show your partner that she has no reason to doubt your sincerity. Start by being diligent about keeping your word. According to Fixrelationshipreports.com, “One of the most powerful things you must do is to make small promises and faithfully keep them.” Remember that trust is built one quiet act at a time. Honor even the smallest commitments you make to your partner.

Step 4

Let go of grievances. If you are the one who has been betrayed, it is natural to want to protect your feelings. However, in order to fully re-establish trust between you and your partner, you must learn to let go of your pain and forgive. This does not need to happen right away, but hanging on to the pain of a betrayal will keep your relationship from healing. Forgiving your partner does not mean you’re saying that what he did was okay, merely that you’re ready to move past it.

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